Darwin Awards Ii: Unnatural Selection

Darwin Awards Ii: Unnatural Selection

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Overview

Welcome to the next evolution in humor.

In the spirit of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, The Darwin Awards II: Unnatural Selection brings together a fresh collection of magnificent misadventures, honoring those who continue to improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it in a sublimely idiotic fashion.

Salute the owner of an equipment training school who demonstrates the dangers of driving a forklift by failing to survive the filming of his own safety video. Heed the story of the honest bricklayer who loses a battle of wits with 300 pounds of tools. Witness the man who becomes a victim of his own "strange and unusual passion for jumping into rivers." And watch Darwin Award winners selflessly join the ongoing fight against the seven deadly sins as lust, vanity, gluttony, greed, sloth, envy and wrath all exact their evolutionary toll on the overindulgent.

Featuring science and safety discussions designed to aid those vigilant enough to avoid the scythe of natural selection, and including the most inspiring dozen Darwin Awards from the last century, this new compendium of serious humor and cautionary tales -- verified by the author and endorsed by website readers -- shows us anew how uncommon sense can be. Author Biography: Wendy Northcutt is a graduate of UC Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology. She started collecting the stories that make up the Darwin Awards in 1993, and founded her award-winning website DarwinAwards.com soon thereafter. She is the author of the international bestseller, The Darwin Awards: Evolution in Action.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781885408761
Publisher: Listen & Live Audio, Inc.
Publication date: 11/01/2001
Series: From Hit Websites Ser.
Edition description: Abridged, 3 CDs
Pages: 5
Product dimensions: 5.84(w) x 5.98(h) x 1.00(d)

About the Author

Wendy Northcutt is a graduate of U.C. Berkeley with a degree in molecular biology. Her award-winning website has been featured in USA Today, Entertainment Weekly, The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com, Salon.com, and on NPR's All Things Considered, among others, and was selected as a Cool Site of the Year 2000.

Read an Excerpt

DARWIN AWARD: HUMAN POPSICLE
2000 Darwin Award Runner-Up
Confirmed by Darwin
24 JANUARY 2000, OHIO

The Los Angeles Police Department contacted Ohio police hoping to locate a missing truck driver and his load of broccoli. The stalled truck was located in Ohio four days later and towed to a local mechanic. They thawed and refueled the truck and found that, apart from an empty gas tank, the vehicle had no mechanical problems, but the driver's personal effects and seven bricks of marijuana were discovered in the cab of the vehicle.

The trucking company and the police were both interested in the whereabouts of the errant driver, and a search was initiated. Shortly thereafter a patrolman noticed two feet protruding from between the pallets of broccoli -- feet which belonged to the missing man.

The broccoli was unloaded as quickly as possible in the cold Ohio winter, leaving the frozen body of the driver standing precisely upside down, attached to the floor of the trailer by his head. He was surrounded by space heaters and eventually pried off the floor, but his frigid corpse, arm extended, had to be turned on its side to maneuver it into a rescue squad vehicle.

The Cuyahoga County coroner's office determined that the man had been trying to retrieve a stash of cocaine from between the pallets of broccoli when he fell and knocked himself unconscious. He soon suffered a fatal case of hypothermia and died in the icy air. Perhaps this unfortunate soul should have confined his drug smuggling to the more clement climate of California.

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a twenty-two-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills. (Honorable Mention of unknown veracity, culled from a decade of email.)

Reference: Richfield Township, Ohio, Police Department Incident #00514
ANOTHER TRAGIC THEFT: Wrong Time, Wrong Place, page 197

DARWIN AWARD: SKI THEFT BACKFIRES
Confirmed by Darwin
FEBRUARY 1998, CALIFORNIA

Darrell and his friends stole a foam pad from the legs of a Mammoth Mountain ski lift, piled onto it, and slid down a ski run at 3 A.M. on their makeshift sledge. The foam pad, lacking any steering or safety features, crashed into a lift tower which was -- by amazing coincidence -- the same tower from which it had been stolen. Lacking the cushion of foam meant to protect errant skiers, the tower was an obstacle too hard for Darrell to overcome. There's a moral in there somewhere.

Reference: Guardian, Sacramento Bee
ANOTHER SELF-CORRECTING THEFT: Junk Food Junkie, page 195

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the cops. The attendants still wouldn't give him the money, so the robber called the police, waited for them to arrive -- and was arrested. (Honorable Mention of unknown veracity, culled from a decade of email.)

DARWIN AWARD: ESCAPING CONVICTION
Confirmed by Darwin
DECEMBER 1997, PENNSYLVANIA

A prisoner in the new Allegheny County Jail in Pittsburgh attempted to evade his punishment by engineering an escape from his confinement. Jerome constructed a hundred-foot rope of bedsheets, broke through a supposedly shatter-proof cell window, and began to climb to freedom down his makeshift ladder.

It is not known whether his plan took into account the curiosity of drivers on the busy street and Liberty Bridge below. It certainly did not take into account the sharp edges of the glass, the worn nature of the bedsheet, or the great distance to the pavement. The bottom of the knotted bedsheet was eighty-six feet short of the ground. But our hero did not reach the end of his rope. The windowpane sliced through the weak cloth and dropped him to his untidy demise 150 feet below.

But wait, there's more!

Apparently the jailhouse rumor of the previous death did not reach a prisoner who was awaiting transfer to a federal penitentiary one year later. He tied eight bedsheets together and rappelled from his seventh-floor window, only to find that the rope fell twenty-five feet short of the ground. Luckier than Jerome, he merely fractured his ankle and scraped his face.

Reference: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
ANOTHER FALL FROM A GREAT HEIGHT: Lawnchair Larry, page 200

DARWIN AWARD: KILLING TIME
Unconfirmed by Darwin
2001, SCOTLAND

Electric trains in Glasgow collect power from the overhead cable and transmit any excess through the rails to a solid copper cable that routes it to a power redistribution box.

Copper is a favorite target for thieves. One enterprising fellow with a good knowledge of the electrical system planned to cut the copper cable during the time between trains, when no electricity was traveling through it. His plan might have worked... but for one small flaw.

In the pocket of his charred overcoat, police found an out-of-date rail timetable. The train arrived ten minutes before he thought it would, sending hundreds of volts of electricity through the thief's hacksaw and into his body, and putting an untimely end to his career.

MORE ENTERPRISING MEN LOOKING FOR A FREE RIDE: Dodging Drink Dues, page 48

Is this electrocution death possible? Several residents of Glasgow wrote in to say they never heard of this train sizzler, and what's more, Glasgow trains are so unreliable that no one would trust his life to a timetable, accurate or not. Electrically minded readers reported that current flows through the overhead wires all the time, not just when trains pass. One theorized, "You'd have to be pretty clever to know enough about electricity and the underground system to consider pulling this one off. My guess is he heard someone discussing the idea in a pub and decided to give it a whirl whilst in a chemical haze." Myself I find it plausible because thieves regularly electrocute themselves while stealing copper. What are they doing, recycling?

More Reader Comments:
"This often happens in South Africa. Thieves go for the thick copper bus bars or the high voltage overhead lines so often the deaths don't even make the news. I have photos of bodies and limbs still attached to the cables."

"When the train picks up power, it needs a ground contact to complete the circuit. It grounds through the perfectly ordinary rails. However these rails are not designed to be electrically sound, so they back them up with a copper wire which connects to the rails at regular intervals. Normally this cable remains at zero voltage and is perfectly safe to steal. However when a train passes, a high current passes through it, and will flow through the thief and into the earth. It only takes 80 milliamps to kill."

DARWIN AWARD: JUST SAY NO!
Confirmed by Darwin
29 NOVEMBER 2000, CANADA

A police officer who regularly lectured addiction counselors on the dangers of illicit drugs proved that actions speak louder than words when he was found dead of a heroin overdose. He had taken heroin and cocaine from police exhibits "without filing the proper forms" and apparently overdosed while experimenting with the narcotics. He unfortunately didn't heed the creed written on his own patrol car: "Say no to drugs!"

Reference: Toronto Globe and Mail
AN OVERDOSE OF A DIFFERENT SORT: Liposuction Tragedy, page 14

A man wearing pantyhose on his head tried to rob a shopping mall store. When store security made an appearance, he quickly grabbed a market basket and pretended to be shopping -- forgetting that he was still wearing the pantyhose. He was captured and his loot returned.

(Honorable Mention of unknown veracity, culled from a decade of email.)

DARWIN AWARD: STAB IN THE DARK
Unconfirmed by Darwin
3 DECEMBER 2000, AUSTRALIA

The death of a man in the suburbs of Brisbane was precipitated by a bizarre twist of fate. The twenty-one-year-old and his friend went to a trailer park intent on doing some serious damage to the occupant of one particular mobile home. In the ensuing confusion, the intended victim escaped without injury while his two attackers managed to viciously stab one another. The younger knife-wielder died at the scene, and his older friend was hospitalized with severe injuries. The incident thus qualifies for both a Darwin Award and an Honorable Mention, a rare event indeed!

Reference: Australian Broadcasting Corporation
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS INCITE MAYHEM: Throwing Stones, page 16

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting wires from it to a photocopy machine. They placed the message "HE'S LYING" in the copier and pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the lie detector was working, the suspect confessed to the police.

(Honorable Mention of unknown veracity, culled from a decade of email.)

DARWIN AWARD: YOU SAID A MOUTHFUL
Confirmed by Darwin
18 MAY 2001, ILLINOIS

A Chicago woman took revenge into her own hands quite successfully when she bit off the testicles of her rapist during the attack. The twenty-one-year-old man should have known better than to accost a woman twice his age and ferocity. When he dropped his trousers and forced her down, she seized her opportunity and severed his gonads, rendering him permanently sterile, to the satisfaction of all but the eunuch.

The woman walked to police headquarters a block away and turned the testicles over to police. Shortly thereafter a man with a matching injury appeared at the Michael Reese Medical Center. Police put two and two together and cordoned off the injured man's hospital room, while doctors attempted, unsuccessfully, to reattach the rapist's genitals.

A hospital spokesperson confirms that our Darwin Award winner is now sterile.

Reference: Chicago Tribune, Reuters
ANOTHER SATISFYING REVENGE: Call Girl, page 164
ANOTHER TOOTHSOME HUMAN MORSEL: Eat the Young, page 40

HONORABLE MENTION: THE STING
Confirmed by Darwin
2001, CALIFORNIA

"You won the lottery!"

California fugitives hoping to collect $1,500 in lottery winnings walked into a police sting aimed at serving outstanding felony warrants. The nonexistent Fresno County Lottery Commission sent thirty-two hundred letters, claiming to be distributing $78 million in excess lottery funds. The winners were instructed to present identification at the County Fairgrounds.

They arrived to find a balloon and streamer-festooned building, where they left their smiling relatives as one by one they were called into separate rooms to receive their surprise.

Uniformed officers were standing by to explain the hoax and arrest the befuddled fugitives. The operation served eighty-one felony warrants and seventy-five arrests, and a surveillance team arrested two men on suspicion of car burglary.

Reference: Fresno Bee, and Mom
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF CAPTORS MORE CLEVER THAN THEIR PREY: Bodacious Bud, page 165

HONORABLE MENTION: FERGUSON 2, THIEVES 0
Confirmed by Darwin
JANUARY 2001, ENGLAND

Two men were taken to a Liverpool hospital after trying to burgle the house of pro soccer player Duncan Ferguson. The soccer player in question has earned the nicknames Duncan Disorderly and Drunken Ferguson for his aggressive behavior on and off the field. He once headbutted a policeman, and spent six months in jail for injuring an opponent. This six-foot-four kamikaze center forward is arguably the most violent player in British pro football, and not the best choice of victim. Police arrived quickly to rescue the miscreants from Duncan's wrath. Only one of the hapless burglars required hospitalization.

Reference: Sentinal, BBC Radio News, UK National Newspapers
ANOTHER UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT TO RUN FROM MENACE: A Fell Death, page 96

The weekly aviation newsletter AVweb reported that a burglar broke into a Mooney aircraft at the Knox County, Ohio, airport and removed its avionics system, including the Emergency Locating Transmitter. This device sends homing signals if the aircraft crashes. During the getaway run, the ham-handed crook jarred the ELT enough to activate it, and authorities had no trouble tracking the perpetrator to his lair.

(Honorable Mention of unknown veracity, culled from a decade of email.)

HONORABLE MENTION: MORSEL OF EVIDENCE
Confirmed by Darwin
16 MAY 2001, NEW ZEALAND

Cruising police spotted a longtime member of the Mongrel Mob sitting in a parked car in Hastings. The officers stopped and searched his vehicle, unearthing a plastic baggie presumed to be full of drugs.

While the thug was being questioned about the contents of the bag, he suddenly grabbed the drugs and began to scuffle with police. He was subdued with pepper spray and a restraining hold, and police began to search for the missing baggie. Their captive, meanwhile, had become strangely subdued. He was white as a sheet and no longer breathing.

Turns out he had swallowed the plastic bag, which the officers discovered during their resuscitation efforts stuck far down his throat. They extracted the baggie with the help of pliers from a pocket Leatherman, and the man revived.

Saved from a Darwin Award despite himself, he was jailed on drug and assault charges along with thirteen other suspected gang members whose seized booty totaled $30,000 in drugs and stolen property.

Reference: Dominion
ANOTHER STORY ABOUT INGESTING DRUGS: Just Say No!, page 158

HONORABLE MENTION: CALL GIRL
Confirmed by Darwin
25 APRIL 2001, NEW YORK

"Why don't you come back and meet me here?" He thought she was calling to arrange a hot date, but he was wrong. The twenty-nine-year-old rapist had not only assaulted his victim, but also stolen $70 and her cell phone after poking her in the neck with a pair of tweezers he took from her purse.

As soon as he left her apartment, she summoned help, and police encouraged her to assist in the capture of the rapist. Under their watchful eye, she called him on her own cell phone and courageously coaxed him back to her building.

The woman was an excellent actress. Her attacker arrived for his "date" an hour later with a forty-ounce bottle of Heineken in his hand and her panties and cell phone tucked in his pocket. Police took the man, trailing a long criminal record, into custody.

His victim really did a number on him.

Reference: New York Post
ANOTHER MAN WHOSE MANHOOD IS IN QUESTION: Lobster Vasectomy, page 124
ANOTHER RINGING PHONE BRINGS TROUBLE: Midnight Special, page 196

HONORABLE MENTION: BODACIOUS BUD
Unconfirmed by Darwin
2000, INDIANA

A gardener had the good fortune to raise a healthy marijuana plant in his backyard. But then terror struck! He received a phone call from the authorities saying he was busted... but they would not press charges if he brought the bush into the station, roots and all.

So he sadly hacked down his eight-foot annual and carried it into the lobby of the sheriff's office, where startled officers took him into custody for suspected felony cultivation.

Turns out the phone call was a prank.

Reference: Indiana Bedford Times-Mail
MORE MARIJUANA: Human Popsicle, page 152

HONORABLE MENTION: SIPHON!
Unconfirmed by Darwin
2000, WASHINGTON

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a residential Seattle street, he got much more than he had bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a violently ill thief curled up retching next to a motor home, surrounded by spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that once he recovered, the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline from the parked vehicle, but he plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

ANOTHER SEWAGE STORY: Sewer Shower, page 54

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller and led police on a five-mile-per-hour chase, until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a halt.

(Honorable Mention of unknown veracity, culled from a decade of email.)

HONORABLE MENTION: PLANNING AHEAD
Unconfirmed by Darwin
FEBRUARY 2000, ENGLAND

Warning to crooks: Don't expect the victim to cooperate with your plans! A bank robber presented a note at a cashier's window, threatening to hack into their computer system unless they handed over a large sum of money. When he returned later that day to collect his cash, police were standing by to nab him.

Reference: London Metro
ANOTHER THREAT BACKFIRES: Moscow Marauder, page 20

A man walked into a Circle-K store in Louisiana, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash and fled, leaving his $20 bill on the counter. The money he took from the drawer totaled $15. If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?

(Honorable Mention of unknown veracity, culled from a decade of email.)

HONORABLE MENTION: SOBRIETY TEST
Unconfirmed by Darwin
15 MAY 2001

In a poorly judged attempt to convince his wife he was sober enough to drive, a twenty-nine-year-old man pulled up to a State Police barracks in his pickup truck, parked illegally, and demanded a sobriety check. He failed the Breathalyzer test and was taken into custody. "Basically," an amused Sergeant Paul Slevinski explained, "his wife won the argument."

Reference: Southampton Press
ANOTHER MAN WHO TURNED HIMSELF IN: Dumb Drunk, page 39

Darwin Awards: Keeping a Date with Dense-ity
PERSONAL ACCOUNT: MEDICAL MISADVENTURES

I have three stories to share, two published in a professional magazine and the third a personal account which is sadly unverifiable but absolutely true.

The first story is described in a lawsuit filed against a veterinarian and his clinic by the grieving family of a young man who had been hired three weeks previously and trained for kennel work: dog walking, animal feeding, poop scooping, etc. He was found dead by his supervisor midway through his first day of solo work. His body was lying in the surgery suite, a place a kennel worker has no business being, wrapped around an empty bottle of liquid anesthetic gas.

Apparently this Darwin wannabe had sought the drug out and chugged down the whole bottle in the hopes that it would give him a euphoric high. He did not realize that the liquid is vaporized into a gas before being administered to patients. In its highly concentrated liquid form, it probably killed him before he had the chance to realize he wasn't getting a buzz.

The kicker to this story is that his family is suing the veterinarian and the clinic for not providing their idiot child with appropriate training. What sort of training do you need in order to avoid, and especially not ingest, unknown substances? Did they have to tell him not to drink the bleach? "Hey, kid, don't mess with those scalpel blades, but if you do, be sure not to jam one up your nose."

The second story is from a series of articles about controlled drugs -- those drugs with abuse potential -- and how to keep your clinic's supply safe and legal. Ketamine, an injectible anesthetic known on the street as Special K, is a popular target for veterinary drug thieves. The clinic in the article had suffered a break-in and was missing several bottles of Ketamine and, oddly, two bottles of euthanasia solution as well.

Euthanasia solution is the highly concentrated form of an injectible anesthetic that is used to humanely end the lives of suffering animals. The product label makes it extremely clear that the purpose of the drug is to kill. A skull and crossbones is a prominent feature on the packaging.

The thieves were found a few days later, sprawled amid the cash from the sale of their stolen Ketamine. They didn't have a chance to enjoy their booty, however, as one was dead and the second comatose from injecting the concentrated euthanasia solution directly into their veins.

The third story involves a telephone call we received one Saturday while I was working at a veterinary emergency hospital. I heard my technician answer the phone, listen, and say, "Hold on, I'll ask the doctor." He turned to me and gave me a drug name that sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it, nor could I find it in my drug dictionary.

I asked him to interrogate the caller. Were they clients? Had we prescribed the drug? If not, where had they found it and why were they calling me instead of the hospital? Maybe with more information I could answer their question.

He went back to the phone and clarified the situation. He put the callers on hold and said, "They bought the drug on the street in Mexico and just shot it up. They want to know what it is supposed to do to them." Apparently the bottle was labeled in Spanish, and one recognizable word resembled the English word "veterinary." That was why they called me to ask why the drug wasn't giving them the promised high.

I wish I had had the foresight to pretend it was a concentrated hormone that causes testicular shrinkage, but instead I saved them from winning a Darwin Award by telling them to get their stupid selves to the nearest human emergency room.

Reference: DVM Newsmagazine and J. S. Vanderholm, personal account.
ANOTHER CALL FOR HELP: That Sinking Feeling, page 34

According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes" committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their trade. For instance it is reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers wear no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus the FBI offers this advice to would-be bank robbers: Consider another line of work.

Reprinted from The Darwin Awards II by Wendy Northcutt by permission of Dutton, a member of Penguin Putnam Inc. Copyright © Wendy Northcutt, 2001. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission.

Table of Contents

Introduction: What Are They?1
What Are They?2
Rules and Eligibility3
Darwin's Theory of Evolution6
Surviving Stupidity8
Where Do Darwins Come From?9
Chapter 1Penance: Seven Deadly Sins11
Discussion: Kismet, Karma, Destiny12
Darwin Award: Vanity: Liposuction Tragedy14
Darwin Award: Vanity: Perilous Pose15
Darwin Award: Wrath: Throwing Stones16
Darwin Award: Greed: Crystal Daze17
Darwin Award: Sloth: Sleepfalling18
Darwin Award: Envy: Flames of Passion19
Darwin Award: Envy: Moscow Marauder20
Darwin Award: Gluttony: Ethanol Schmethanol21
Honorable Mention: Gluttony: Men Eating Chili22
Personal Account: Lust: Emergency Room Excitement23
Chapter 2Women: Femme Fatalities25
Discussion: Civilization Memes26
Darwin Award: Fast Food Fatality29
Darwin Award: Enraged Elephant30
Darwin Award: Rubbish!31
Darwin Award: Christmas Tree32
Darwin Award: Testing Faith33
Darwin Award: That Sinking Feeling34
Honorable Mention: Aircraft Airhead35
Darwin Award: Fatal Footwear Fashion36
Honorable Mention: Explosive Mix of Girls37
Honorable Mention: Snow Bunnies38
Honorable Mention: Dumb Drunk39
Personal Account: Eat the Young40
Personal Account: Brush with Stupidity41
Chapter 3Water: All Washed Up43
Discussion: Weed Seeds and Biodiversity44
Darwin Award: Fishing with No Compass46
Darwin Award: Duct Tape47
Darwin Award: Dodging Drink Dues48
Darwin Award: Walking on Water49
Darwin Award: Dive to Death50
Darwin Award: Passionate Plunge51
Darwin Award: Show-Off52
Honorable Mention: All Aboard53
Honorable Mention: Sewer Shower54
Urban Legend: Brewery Mishap55
Chapter 4Technology: Engines of Destruction57
Discussion: Car Safety58
Darwin Award: Do It Yourself, Do Yourself In61
Darwin Award: Two Avalanche Alaskan63
Darwin Award: Forklift Safety Video65
Darwin Award: Electrifying Stunt66
Darwin Award: Intersecting Darwins67
Darwin Award: Power Punch Proves Fatal68
Darwin Award: Scooter Snuff69
Darwin Award: Circular Reasoning70
Darwin Award: Sweet Release71
Darwin Award: Snowball's Chance in Hell73
Darwin Award: Sand Surfing74
Honorable Mention: House Hunting Gone Awry75
Honorable Mention: Coors Light and the UltraLight76
Urban Legend: Mad Trombonist77
Personal Account: Robot Reaper79
Personal Account: Prop Arc Safety80
Personal Account: Miracle Mile81
Chapter 5Men: Male-functions83
Discussion: Online Safety84
Darwin Award: Rappin' on Heaven's Door87
Darwin Award: Fantastic Plastic Lover88
Darwin Award: Bulletproof?89
Darwin Award: New Dating Technique90
Darwin Award: God Saves?91
Darwin Award: Settle the Score92
Darwin Award: Hardheads93
Darwin Award: Ur-inate-iot94
Darwin Award: A Fell Death95
Honorable Mention: Cheez Whiz96
Honorable Mention: Trash Compactor98
Honorable Mention: Archery Practice99
Honorable Mention: Tied to His Work100
Honorable Mention: Chicken with a Train101
Honorable Mention: Toilet Trap102
Urban Legend: The Bricklayer103
Personal Account: Tourist Trap105
Personal Account: Tube Snake107
Chapter 6Animals: Pall of the Wild109
Discussion: Dogs and Darwinism110
Darwin Award: Hornet Challenge114
Darwin Award: Fish Gag115
Darwin Award: Sheep Sleep116
Honorable Mention: Doggone Foot117
Urban Legend: Cactus Tales118
Personal Account: Polar Bear Lesson121
Personal Account: Feeding the Dolphins122
Personal Account: Horsing Around123
Urban Legend: Lobster Vasectomy124
Chapter 7Explosions: Out with a Bang!125
Discussion: Intelligent Design Theory126
Darwin Award: Out with a Bang!129
Darwin Award: Grenade Juggler131
Darwin Award: Fireworks Fiasco132
Darwin Award: Shell Shot133
Darwin Award: Guitars 'n' Guns134
Honorable Mention: Kaboom!135
Honorable Mention: Plane Stupid136
Urban Legend: Fifteen Minutes of Flame137
Personal Account: A Medieval Tale139
Personal Account: Workin' on the Railroad141
Personal Account: Man and Cactus142
Personal Account: Man with Gas Can143
Personal Account: Instant Sunrise145
Chapter 8Outlaws: Crime and Punishment149
Discussion: City Living150
Darwin Award: Human Popsicle152
Darwin Award: Ski Theft Backfires154
Darwin Award: Escaping Conviction155
Darwin Award: Killing Time156
Darwin Award: Just Say No!158
Darwin Award: Stab in the Dark159
Darwin Award: You Said a Mouthful160
Honorable Mention: The Sting161
Honorable Mention: Ferguson 2, Thieves 0162
Honorable Mention: Morsel of Evidence163
Honorable Mention: Call Girl164
Honorable Mention: Bodacious Bud165
Honorable Mention: Siphon!166
Honorable Mention: Planning Ahead167
Honorable Mention: Sobriety Test168
Personal Account: Medical Misadventures169
Chapter 9Disqualified: Losing Is Its Own Reward173
Not a Darwin: Do Bikes Float?174
Not a Darwin: Underwire Bras Deadly175
Not a Darwin: Texas A&M Bonfire176
Not a Darwin: Body Canyoning178
Not a Darwin: Our Brightest Cheerleaders180
Not a Darwin: Fatal Case of Hiccups181
Not a Darwin: Ice Floe Frolic182
Not a Darwin: Shotgun Pepsi184
Not a Darwin: Mania Strikes Back186
Chapter 10Classic Dozen: Better Read than Dead189
Discussion: Speciation190
Darwin Award: JATO193
Darwin Award: Junk Food Junkie195
Darwin Award: Midnight Special196
Darwin Award: Wrong Time, Wrong Place197
Darwin Award: Count Your Chickens198
Darwin Award: The Last Supper199
Honorable Mention: Lawnchair Larry200
Honorable Mention: Revenge of the Gopher203
Urban Legend: Frog Giggin' Accident204
Urban Legend: Metallica Concert Misadventure205
Urban Legend: Scuba Divers and Forest Fires208
Urban Legend: Dog and Jeep210
Appendices213
1.Website Biography213
2.Author Biography215
3.Forum Decorum216
4.Godwin's Law221
Story Index222

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