Gustav, who one day came home from work and discovered an empty house, shares poetry that provide a realistic glimpse into what it is really like to experience the breakup of a marriage, to lose your children, to endure monumental financial challenges, to survive betrayal from other family members, to grapple with a variety of emotions that accompany such a life-shattering chain of events, and finally, to be guided to change. Through it all, Gustav provides inspiration to others that it is indeed possible to find hope, inner-peace, and love after suffering a personal tragedy.
From Hell to Heaven, One Man’s Journey shares introspective reflections from an honest man as he learns to survive life’s greatest heartaches and transform his anger into understanding love.
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From Hell to Heaven, One Man's Journey
By Daffy Gustav
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2015 Daffy Gustav
All rights reserved.
Coming to Closure
If married to one who ducks taking on life
There is always a void of reality
The reference point is always superficial
As if not of this world it could be
The fact of having not much but debt and my promise of my future
The decision is made to dump the blood sucker
For when this is done maybe I can see my tenure
As all I feel is a realization of being fucked over
All my work, dedication and skill has made us
Her vacuum of need and clinginess is of such disgust
I feel like wiping the slime from my skin
For it has been part of my soul that has given in
I must stand firm with the settlement
For only this will allow her to righten her Kharma tent
As driving from others and sucking them dry
Is not why we are here on earth to try.
My Ex-Wife and Friend
For 8 years I felt she loved me, then things began to change
We lived afar and work took me aways
At home with 2 small kids she felt alone and strange
Many things I noticed after the long hard days
She was bored as a stay at home Mom
Desiring something more she found a group in Kansas City
Off she would go at night, me with the kids, at home
Into the night with her friends, off doing her dity
Soon a roommate appeared with her daughter with amuse
Into our house as a friend and companion to keep company
As the 1,200 sq foot basement was not being used
It sounded so swell, how could I say anything?
Back towards work to pay the bills I focused
Covering 4 states through all of the weather and long nights
Looking forward to being home is all I wished
Walking into the house, wife naked with candle light
On the massage table she lay, with the roommate rubbing her back
This is wrong I thought to myself, something is not right!
It was explained to me only friends they were just seemed short of
Later sometime but still soon after
My ex-wife asked if I was interested in a threesome
Laying there in shocked realization without laughter
I felt it hit home to the depths of my discovered truthsome.
The Societal Entitlement Program
It is said in today's society when a woman is guided to marry into
The concept on the surface supports survival of the fittest, to move up
Mother's groom their daughters in manners and grace
Hoping and longing the security it brings for within they feel setup
The daughters strive to please their elders
Foregoing true love in lieu of approval
So like hookers they seek the stupid and unperceiving
Sharing their fluff and muff quenching their upheaval
Through their lives they accept less of themselves
Agreeing with the lack of self-confidence delved by mothers
Seeking love and security without it as part of their shelves
Pulling from a partner, forever seeking reassurance from others.
Abuse of the other....
In relationship we try to make a mutual gain
For in this is the meaning of life and sharing
One works hard to make this avail
But it has to take both, unless it is to fail
When one side decides to quit, it should be presented to the other to spit
Unfortunately often it is not revealed as this takes courage without
Once withered, it grows and festers, lashing out at other times with
Taken by the other, this is an attack, as if a knife in the back
So the game goes on, without score
With one of the two taking the bore
So the abuser is allowed to reek, as the other is trying to be meek
To be meek is the same as to be humble, the attacker will soon stumble
As it is said the meek shall inherit the earth
So will the attackers dwindle in the hearth.
Funny, looking back, the parents guided
As youth, we partook in the lessons
Through adolescence we continued to trust unabated
Knowing that we would be set adult life without tensions
Reality strikes, say about twenty
Playing and touching on life's purpose with measure
The security of the next is gone, but done plenty
Oh my God, it is up to me to achieve life's treasure?
College (a parent guide) is tough with so much indeciveness and challenge
Yet, it is the knowing, that helps in future years
So after college, when does it help in life's range
It only delivers a place in stature, but nothing about why one cares
Alone, employed with bought crap we are not content
Wait a minute; wasn't my life's purpose supposed to be laid out?
I followed the script to a tee, but where is my tent?
The parent's efforts were not appreciated and from this there is much
With education in tow, we ask – so tell us....
Dumbfounded they stutter, we do not know either ...
Shock sets in, it is for ourselves to discover thus
Our own lives mission, without guidance, for only this will weather.
Why the Mundane
Comfort comes in many levels of our lives
Skipping through life without goals sets us there
Taking the easy path is most leisure in strife
The paychecks of perks are bimonthly, so why spare?
After a few years, there sets a wonder....
Doing the mundane is simply not a life fulfilling
So how did this mundane life creep onto me without ponder?
As I never agreed to the emptiness like holes in a water bottle be
I did all I thought that was needed
For my aspiring goals were kind of completed
Going through my life it seems to be deeded
So what the hell, I guess I am not needed!
Alone is a gift we give ourselves to understand and see
We reminisce and ponder the thoughts and discussions with others
As a personal reflection of who we are supposed to be
Working this line just leaves chatters
Stepping beyond this void of self denial
We feel ourselves questioning our inner core
As judge and jury we push the sentence with no appeal
A lesser person we accept for ourselves with terms and no adore
This is the flipside of what being alone is about
For self love and acceptance is the deeper feeling
Knowing that this is our true selves for there is no doubt Reassured
tomorrow, friends and family is who we will be dealing.
Feel the Squeeze
Divorce is an interesting test of life's values
Coming to grip with the other and their lack of reality
Fantasies they lived in explains the disconnected dues
And now they strike back from their sinking ship, limited in its
The one divorcing spent the time to care
Setting up the finances so she would not have to wonder Was
this a mistake, paying her way, disallowing her despair?
It was a last attempt at human decency, as I never wanted the mother
of my children to blunder
The rope around my neck tightens without appreciation
As she demands her way without planning or consultation
Hell or high-water is her game, giving up any future relation
Sad it is, as I can feel, done is my caring without damnation.
Love Look at Yourself
There was one that strolled into my life
Free spirited she resounded with just and strife
Outgoing for others and undirected her game
Wondering, what the hell, It's renewed just the same
Presented to me she seemed so dear, kind and sincere
If I only kept it at this level, we would still be having fun together
I thought we loved each other, as you do this, than for me too, is the
My guess was wrong, as she wants her freedom
So what is it that I do with the bottled feelings
As my heart glows with her touch and needings
She wants to step back and just be friends
After we went through, I feel very dumped in the ends
I take the responsibility of my dreams with her
In reality, there is no dream, as she must defer
Her inner feelings must be arranged
For until then, she will not know as one self estranged
For me it is time to wander, down the road of myself with appreciation
As this has been secondary to others passion
A whore I am not with my love and feelings
Just a recap of my deepest dealings.
When your love takes another
The creeping feeling gnawing at my intuition is evident
Although time and effort at the very least has been spent
A knowing that she is not there at the levels I desire
For giving us up, she must, to enable, her transpire
I think of the many times we shared and loved eachother
Over the many months, such adventures, sharing and comparing
Yet there is this void I cannot comprehend
What could this be, but a premature end.
She decides to take a break, away from me, to find herself
Asking for stepping back and to stop any of our dating with me
Will yield the freedom to explore herself to be
So onto another guy she planes, hoping to find her wanes
Chopping off the arm of feel, so how is one to deal
Understanding the other could be a measure
Only this disallows my deep feelings I treasure
Self worth means more to me, than being neglected into eternity
Working thru the Void
The vastness of the self abyss is overwhelming
Working thru the functions of daily life is so grueling
The persistent realization is, "why bother" of the doing
You just want to care again and be normal, where's feeling?
Your life seems so meaningless and devoid of reason
Lacking purpose, so you shake your head, yet it never clears
Like a zombie, moving in the known steps of the past, like treason
Hoping that someday soon, life will return full of tears
For the void brings such a volume of emptiness
As yesterday it mattered, but today there is nothing
Appeasement is earned thru simple appreciation of pasts unknowns
As it is the time for life's void lesson to be dealing
The void is plainly an adjustment for the soul to realize
Life has been given so much to be here on earth, as a being
With no realization many wonder here, forever and then demise
But for those that are aware and brave, it is a tool for seeing
There is a new transition in my life that I must learn
Letting go and being self-serving for me without discern
Years of habit, as this was my means to share my joy of life and love
To others dear and friends, to make them happy at every turn
The level of this self-sacrifice just blows me away
For it is so inherent in whom I am, with my ideals that all should be
Loving life and supporting others, without judgment every day
Allowing them to endure their hardships and experience, as it's their
Maturing now, I see my errors, disallowing others to have their
For with this they learn life's lesson, as Karmic it is without guessing
By standing and admiring them as their being, holding their hand
when they feel like fleeing
Knowing that through the pain of life and its training maze let it be
as it might take them days
In the end, they will or will not achieve their agreed contract in life
For if they do not, its ok, no judgment, just love them as their steps
Sometimes life's prelessons cannot support the challenge, and like
failures, they feel somehow less
Careful of those that blame and strike out from insecurity, as it is a
shield of their ego's obstinainity
As these lack personal responsibility for their life's achievements,
and they know it
Writhing through life, trying to draw from others, love them too as
they are our teachers
For me it is a realization of these many aspects within me and without
Being human and undergoing the many life's transitions, is definitely
what we are all about.
As youngsters, we are all free as we are supposed to be
Playing in the playground, chasing, teasing, all of us a beacon of joy
As we get older, we seek to resecure this innocence as we were so
happy and unhindered
Rules of the world drop in with their gates to avoid this ...
We accept this and less of our freedom and embrace our bonds of
Never able to take back our childhood, the sadness is there, as we are
socially required to succeed
Yet happiness this does not bring, but from our heart, it's just a weed
So how do we return to the playground of life and its pure desires?
It is a within look and securing that must take place, as nobody else
Freeing the mind and soul of others burdens is in itself a personal stand
Remember the kids in the playground, why is it that we cannot let
this joy abound?
Because we accept less of ourselves and sacrifice to others, a game we
adults feel we need to play to be accepted in our new playground.
I have lived my life for others and their success
Working one on one so as to support them to be the best
This is a trait I naturally do, inspire and compliment
Stepping back I find, others are drawn to this peppermint
Yet where is their soul, purpose, strive, and endorsement
The lesson must be summoned within them to deal outright
For me it is knowing myself to be forthright
Giving to a point and no more, letting others deal
Realizing for me, there is an energy leak from my appeal
Love them as they are without the trapeze or wheel
Sitting here I realize many want to make an energy draw
Looking at their life deficit account, they should crawl
As appreciation for the years of work it does take
To sustain the love and support for humanity of each at stake
Then it comes home, like a brick on the head, why should I care?
Bring in the beacon of inner life and set the field aglare
Let the puppets dance their dance like Fred Astairre
Why take on their stuff and help as this yet tarnishes their glare
Allow them to differentiate themselves with good, the bad, and despair
You draw your life to be a majesty of your creation
Magical in thought with life's determination and self condemnation
Always moving ahead to prove to yourself the ability and reason we
As others wonder why are you not content to be as most others are
You continue to pursue
Your Friendship to me
There is a lady I know who has helped me to grow
Tis not a stature thing, but deep inside me
Funny I could not see or realize her help and support
Of opening my heart to a friend and allowing me to sort
I was sure I knew what life's games were about
Divorcing I am from a marriage that has concluded
Not even aware of my habits, scars, and self doubt
Thru her care and trust these are being extruded
Impatient I am as for so long without being loved
Not realizing that I was wrong as I could not see
Thru our friendship she holds the energy for my self identity
So I can once again find myself and be free
Until this happens, I know we can only be friends
For anything else is premature and unreal
Someday we might change these trends
For now, it is with appreciation, love and respect I feel
When there is only Spew.....
I have chosen to take on the empety of others
Thru my life, I thought it was my task
Sitting here being smashed by the weight of it
Wondering if I can manage this burden of deceit and tact
I remember as a young child, sitting in the fields of my youth
Watching the clouds and wind in the trees, where is my life to be?
The freedom and self fulfillment and joy I had then
Reminds me of what must happen now to be free
The inner joy and self love I lost, it is for me to retake
Societal exposé and reluctance with comment, who cares?
As for me, self worth and trepedance (sp?) not need spare
Regarding yourself is an aspiration for self and others
The climax is coming down, like a rock slide to the bottom
I know I will prevail and roll out and dust myself off
Letting that old family go, for me I need to loft with anew
And leave behind them and their game of a lesser roof.
Excerpted from From Hell to Heaven, One Man's Journey by Daffy Gustav. Copyright © 2015 Daffy Gustav. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse.
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