Get Laid or Die Trying: The Field Reports

Get Laid or Die Trying: The Field Reports

by Jeff Allen

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Tucker Max meets Neil Strauss in this irreverent and hilarious story of a modern-day hustler who decided to get laid or die trying.

Before there were any books by Neil Strauss or Mystery, before there were pickup boot camps or DVD box sets, pickup existed as a loosely-knit “community” on Internet bulletin boards. There, would-be players shared their field reports, strategies, and results. They compared notes, exchanged critiques, and figured out a body of knowledge that defied everything men had ever been told about getting women—what has since come to be known as game.

The undisputed king of the field report was a player named “jlaix.” This was the handle of Jeff Allen, who would go on to be a founding member of Real Social Dynamics with Tyler Durden and Papa, all of whom play major roles in Neil Strauss’s The Game, the bestselling exposé of the world of pickup artists. In an arena founded on one-upmanship, Jeff Allen did it bigger and better than anyone. Get Laid or Die Trying presents in utterly shameless, hilarious, and graphic detail, Jeffy’s gritty, 100 percent real, and jaw-droppingly astonishing feats of seduction, revealing exactly how one goes about:

• Attracting the girl you want by sleeping with all of her friends
• Getting into the pants of the hottest girl at the party—a total stranger—in less than thirty minutes
• Deflecting last-minute resistance with a single word
• Pulling a chick who is surrounded by ten jealous guys
• Cutting out enormous dudes that could easily pound you to a “fine red mist”
• Getting threesomes as your default extraction
• Having a stable so big you have to trim it down, and other “quality problems”
• Convincing a girl you just met that before you sleep with her, she must mow your lawn

Jeff’s tactics produce superhuman results, yet he doesn’t do anything you couldn’t do—now that you’ve seen it done. The worst part? You could have been doing this your whole life.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781451620917
Publisher: Gallery Books
Publication date: 03/29/2011
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 368
File size: 3 MB

Read an Excerpt

And that’s when it happens. I see him there, Tyler, standing before me in the street like obi-wan, smirking at me with his motorcycle jacket and his sunglasses. He says, “DUDE. you KNOW what you have to do. Go to that fuckin’ bar, blow that moron out, pull the girl to Club Jeffy and FUCk HER, man! Eh?! OH MAN!” He brings his hands up, finger guns a-blazin’, nodding wildly.

Yeah, I think, nodding along with him. YEAH. I rise to my feet and take a deep breath, brushing myself off. I turn around and march directly to the Phone Bizzle.

I walk in and sure enough, lisa’s at the end of the bar with the guy. I go to the other end of the bar, order a drink, and pop open a four-set with (what else) THUG LOVIN’, so I’m not just standing there alone like “Follow-Man.” I text message her, “Turn around.”

I see her look at her phone, then she peers around. When she sees me, she shrieks and runs over. “you came!” she sits down and is quite drunk and affectionate. I start rubbing her.

I introduce her to the four girls I’ve been talking to. She buys shots and we start slamming them. I’m busting out CRAZY rapport shit, like getting VERY DEEP and SERIOUS. “I like you for you. you know that, I always have. Just you. you know I care about you, right? You don’t have to put a show on for me, baby. You know that. I’m here for you now, and I’m here for a reason. I don’t know what that is, but I just want to make you feel beautiful, all the time.” BOOM. Makeout.

She’s totally into it, but at the same time she keeps running back and forth between the other guy and me. It’s crazy, she’s literally going from one end of the bar to the other every five minutes. I phase-shift and we start making out. Yet she still goes back over to the dude.

She comes back to me as the bar closes down, saying, “I don’t know who I’m going to go home with!”

I tell her, “let’s cuddle, I have whiskey dick anyway, nothing will happen. Besides . . . you KNOW I’m cooler than that dode.” This might sound like I was qualifying myself, but it wasn’t really the case, since the statement was in actuality glaringly obvious. I mean, fuck, dude . . . I’m jlaix.

She says, “yes!” as the lights come up, but that dude is still there with his friend, waiting.

Janet’s been standing there the whole time, and now she says, “This is fucking scandalous, Jeff. what happens now?”

I turn to her and say, “What happens now? Tug-of-war. Pay attention Janet, we’re playin’ the game!” Indeed.

We go outside, the guy and I look at each other, sizing each other up. we both know what the fuck is happening here. Heheh! Here we go, fucker! We all start walking toward Janet’s car. Lisa is walking with the other guy, hand in hand. I know I have to do something. What that is, however, I have no idea. Somebody starts talking about nicknames, and Lisa says, “What’s my nickname?!!”

Before anyone can answer, I blurt out, “Drunken slut!”

Everybody goes, “OHHHH!!! DAMN!!” Lisa shrieks, runs over to me and starts pawing at me. Yes. I put my arm around her, and put her on my back for a piggyback ride.

She announces to the group, “all right! I’m going home with JEFFY!!!”


We get to the car and the girls start making calls looking for drugs. I walk over to the guy and his friend and ask, “What’s your name, man?” He tells me it’s John. I shake his hand and say, “Good game, man.”

He just laughs and says, “Yeah, you won.” I talk with them for a bit; they are actually pretty cool. Tall, good-looking guys with no game.

© 2011 Real Social Dynamics

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