Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

Kama Pootra: 52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

by Daniel Cole Young

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52 Mind-Blowing Ways to Poop

The only known translation of an ancient manual instructing readers in the art of enlightened bathroom experience, the Kama Pootra offers a thrilling rediscovery of the tiled path to porcelain nirvana.

Willing seekers will find fifty-two progressive positions designed to maximize how you do number two.

Every time the bathroom door closes, a new experience awaits.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781402253737
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Publication date: 05/01/2010
Sold by: Barnes & Noble
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 128
File size: 4 MB

About the Author

Daniel Cole Young is a former radio contest writer who works as a consultant for major Hollywood studios. Young earned degrees in Computer Science and French at UC Davis and studied abroad in Paris and Grenoble.
Daniel Cole Young is a former radio contest writer who works as a consultant for major Hollywood studios. Young earned degrees in Computer Science and French at UC Davis and studied abroad in Paris and Grenoble.

Read an Excerpt

From Solo:

The Kama Pootra begins as a personal study of reflection and meditation. Before one can understand the Kama Pootra, he must possess an open mind freed from any preconceived notions about bathroom behavior. The positions presented in this chapter are intended for the student alone. To begin, familiarize yourself with your surroundings: the coolness of a porcelain toilet, the contours of a tiled floor, the silken touch of toilet paper. Survey your anatomy with a close examination of what Arthur Rimbaud, the nineteenth-century French poet, referred to as the "enticing olive."* If you have never seen yourself in stark detail, try crouching over a carefully angled hand mirror.

Once you have an understanding of your body type and anatomy, you may begin to try the basic positions of the Kama Pootra. It is certain that some of these tasks may be uncomfortable at first, but remember that hard work is always plentifully rewarded in the bathroom.

The Gold Standard

The Gold Standard is the foundation for all poop studies included in this book. When boys and girls enter into bathroom maturity-a good number by age three and some prodigious children as early as six months-this basic position is the first pose taught in Western toilet centric cultures. It is remarkable for its simplicity and undemanding physical nature. A famous Zimbabwean proverb stipulates, "If you can speak, you can sing. If you can walk, you can dance." Likewise: if you can sit, you can poop.

The Thinker

This is the premier position for deep contemplation. Many of the great philosophers in history used bathroom time to formulate theories about human nature. Take time to ponder life's greatest questions:

· What is the source of my happiness?

· Am I eating healthy enough?

· When did I eat so much corn?

90 Degrees

This position utilizes the full curvature of the toilet seat for a more well-rounded experience. Students with larger bottoms (water buffalo or elephants) will find that the 90 Degrees position is more comfortable because additional width is afforded by sitting perpendicular. This position is also useful for unsecured restrooms in that it allows greater options to observe the door directly.

The Lotus

This position is achieved by intertwining the legs upon the toilet seat to gain what the maharishis call "toilet levitation." The Lotus position is an excellent way to meditate and release the stresses and anxieties that build up from a modern caloric intake. Meditation in concert with a full release can elevate the consciousness to a plane approaching bathroom nirvana.

The Reverse

The Reverse position offers the student a new perspective of the bathroom, a 180, if you will, from the traditional positions of the Kama Pootra. By simply turning around from the standard position, the back is given a free range of motion should the student need to lean back or contort herself. From this position one can assume complete control of the toilet. A "drop and flush" maneuver can be completed in one fluid motion as the toilet is brought under quick and easy control.

The Breast Exam

An important aspect of the Kama Pootra is maintaining a healthy body. The Kama Pootra views the physical body as a sacred poop vault that must not be neglected. Harboring toxins and illness impairs the ability to harness maximum pleasure from a healthy poop experience. Maintaining a clean lifestyle and routinely performing self-screenings are simple proactive ways to retain the Kama Pootra's full potential. While the most dangerous foe of the Kama Pootra is no doubt colon cancer, women should use this position at least once a month to check for unexpected lumps and hard masses. Your next poop may save your life

The Airplane Crash

This position is fashioned after the airplane safety manual, which-in the event of a crash-advises that the head should be placed between the legs, arms interlocked under the knees. If needed, grab your ankles for leverage as you anxiously proceed in making a water landing.

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments                       vii
Introduction                             ix
Solo                                      1
The Gold Standard                         3
The Thinker                              4
90 Degrees                               7
The Lotus                                8
The Reverse                             11
The Breast Exam                          12
The Airplane Crash                       15
Spread Eagle                             16
The Torpedo                             19
The Pike                                20
The Crab                                23
The Cannonball                          24
Frisk                                   27
Naked                                  28
The Butterfly                            31
Runner's Poop                           32
Poolside                                35
Skydive                                36
The Captain                             39
The Pommel Horse                        40
One Cheek Lean                          43
Leapfrog                                44
Doggystyle                              47
High Crouch                             48
Missionary Position                       51
Group Positions                           53
Wedding Night                          55
Foot Massage                            56
Wheelbarrow                            59
The Reverse Heimlich                      60
The Cheerleader                          63
Positions with Toys                        65
Guitar                                  67
Kitty Style                              68
Brooklyn Style                           71
Your Dad's Position                       72
Heroin (Mr Brownstone)                   75
The Foodie                              76
Weight Lifting                           79
The Giga-Flop                            80
The Writer                              83
Phone Poop                             84
The New York Breakfast                    87
Gas Mask                               88
Specialty Positions                        91
Public Toilet                             93
In the Dark                              94
Camping                                97
Port-o-Poop                             98
Outhouse                              101
The Mile High Club                      102
Mirrors                                105
A Poop Abroad                          106
Aromatherapy                          109
Tantric                                110
Conclusion                            113
About the Author                       115

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