Separate the cream from the creeps! You think your date is warm, considerate, and terribly charming. But how can you tell if he’s really your dream guy or actually trying to deceive you? The answer is in his Love Codes—clues waiting to be exposed as to how a man truly feels about women, love, commitment, and marriage. Now you too can interpret the subtle signals that provide all the candid answers to these five key questions: He makes a great first impression, but is it for real? Does he truly want a committed relationship? What kind of sexual partner will he be? Will he be emotionally supportive? What is he secretly looking for in a woman? Love Codes gives you all the tips and strategies you need to turn promising beginnings into happy endings.
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How to Read Men's Secret Signals of Romance
By Elayne J. Kahn, David A. Samson
OPEN ROAD INTEGRATED MEDIACopyright © 2012 Elayne J. Kahn and David A. Samson
All rights reserved.
SOMETHING IN THE WAY HE MOVES
What does it mean when he folds his arms over his chest while you speak? Why are his eyes darting around the room instead of looking at you? Why does he always walk so slowly that you have to stop to let him catch up?
Love Codes aplenty lurk behind a man's body language and his physical preferences. Many of them are unconsciously adopted, longstanding habits of which he is only dimly aware; others change to reflect his mood and alert you to the moments when he feels insecure. From the way he sits and stands, to how he shakes hands and whether he makes eye contact while talking to you, careful observations give you great insight before you get too deeply involved.
Look for the guy whose physical messages convey assurance, not arrogance—he knows what he wants in life and love and is emotionally mature enough to give of himself to others. Caution is called for when a man's Love Codes suggest that he lacks confidence in himself; he who bumbles along in life may also bumble along in love. Although such a man may be loyal and emotionally committed, you will have to put a lot of effort into bolstering his confidence. Steer clear when his Love Codes translate as self-centered or domineering.
How He Sits Tells Where He Stands
When you first sit down to chat with a man, take a reading of his posture; notice the position of his hands and legs, observe how he moves his head, and pay attention to how close he sits to you. His sitting position at the beginning of a conversation, and the way that it changes throughout your discussions, provide a surprisingly accurate gauge to his feelings and his interest in romance.
DONALD: LEANING TOWARD A RELATIONSHIP
Cynthia: I met Donald at a party and really enjoyed talking to him. He was bright, witty, and attentive, and we talked easily together. He described his successful management consulting business to me in confident, but not boastful, terms. But he sat at a distance that made conversation awkward, forcing me to lean unnaturally toward him to hear what he was saying. He looked directly at me while talking, but I noticed that he kept his legs crossed and angled away from me.
In their earliest meeting, Donald gave Cynthia several important clues about himself. His wit, intelligence, and attentiveness comprised a menu seductive enough to pique Cynthia's interest. And, by focusing directly at Cynthia, Donald revealed his genuine interest in her.
Certain Love Codes, however, suggest that caution may be in order before becoming too hopeful that he will be the new man in her life. Despite his success in business and his intellectual confidence, Donald is clearly fearful of a relationship. His crossed legs, guarding his most sensitive organs, suggest that he's concerned about being hurt emotionally. What's more, by positioning himself in such a way that Cynthia has to lean toward him, he reveals a need to remain in control.
Here, then, is a man who desires intimacy but is afraid of it. The question that remains to be answered is how long it will take Donald to feel secure enough with a woman to open up.
Cynthia: We talked for almost an hour about everything under the sun—books, politics, theater, you name it. We shared quite a lot in common and I could tell that he was beginning to relax with me. He finally uncrossed his legs, leaned closer in my direction, and pulled his chair in so tight that his knees were almost touching mine.
Initially, Donald distanced himself from Cynthia, but as he grew more comfortable with her, he uncrossed his legs, a gesture symbolizing candor. Drawing his chair closer to her was also an affirmative sign, indicating that he is willing to compromise when it seems appropriate and doesn't always have to maintain tight control over a situation.
All in all, Donald looks like a good risk. His initial defensiveness was eventually supplanted with an openness as he shed the emotional barriers that he had first erected.
Other Sitting Positions
Reclining With His Legs Stretched Out
Although his posture appears laid-back and relaxed, the man who sits for long periods in this position is actually exerting a subtle form of control by forcing you to sit at his level in order to communicate. Although he is not outwardly aggressive, he has a stubborn streak and may listen politely to your opinions, but will then go ahead and do things his own way.
On the Edge of His Seat
A guy who always sits as though he is ready to blast off is loaded with nervous energy and enthusiastic about trying new things. He propels himself at full force into relationships, throwing all caution to the wind, but is impatient if things don't move along quickly. At least he's not shy, though, and won't hesitate to ask for your phone number as soon as you meet. His freneticism will scare some women away; if you prefer to develop relationships at a more leisurely pace, think carefully before agreeing to even a first date.
Both Feet on the Ground
Here is a levelheaded guy who is genuinely open and relaxed about relating to you. He is not afraid to be a bit vulnerable and the initial signals he sends suggest that he wants to explore at least the possibility of a relationship.
Be alert to the distance between his legs—if he always keeps them just a few inches apart, chances are that he is rather rigid in his thinking and not much of an innovator. But if he moves them a lot, keep an eye on what signals the motions. You know you are striking a responsive chord when his legs swing wide open. And the issue you raise is probably a sensitive one if he closes his legs tightly together.
Hands in His Lap
This is a rather dainty position for a man to take. He has obviously learned his manners, probably at the knee of a very domineering mother who drilled him in the importance of good behavior. Reserved, but tense and conservative to a fault, he is more concerned with saying the right thing than letting you know what is really on his mind. In a relationship he will be the perpetual peacemaker, sometimes at the expense of honesty.
Hands Clasped Between the Knees
This is a clear expression of ambivalence, especially if his legs are crossed at the same time. On guard against invaders, he leaves almost no open space for you to reach. Unless he shifts from this position rather quickly, he is too self-protective to be good relationship material.
Sitting on His Hands
This man is struggling to keep his emotions under control, possibly because he is aware of his own tendency toward overly aggressive behavior. In a relationship, too, he is likely to hold back his displeasure for days or weeks, then suddenly let loose with an outburst of emotion. He is somewhat difficult to deal with, but it isn't hard to learn where his sensitive spots are—and how to avoid touching them.
Is He Upright?
You are most likely to meet a man while the two of you are standing up, so this is the ideal time to look for your first clues. Observe how far apart from you he stands, notice his posture, and listen to the signals that reveal the level of his self-confidence or the extent of his anxiety and tension.
DAVID: DON'T FENCE HER IN!
Michelle: Early in March, I met David at a gallery opening. He was well-dressed, with an appealing air of sophistication about him, and we stood talking together in an uncrowded corner of the room. He leaned close to me, resting his shoulder against the wall, and was obviously quite at ease with himself. I enjoyed talking with him, but I felt a bit isolated because he had positioned himself in such a way that my view of the rest of the party was cut off.
David's sophistication was certainly a turn-on for Michelle, and his confidence was clearly expressed in his relaxed posture and in his willingness to stand close to her. Unfortunately, his position also signaled a tendency to control the women he becomes involved with. By blatantly encroaching on her space, he was both figuratively and literally boxing her in, a pattern that would undoubtedly continue throughout their relationship.
The Messages in Other Standing Positions
This position of openness suggests someone who feels neither threatened nor wary of the woman he is talking with. Observe how he holds his arms in this position; if they are at rest by his side, he feels no need to be on guard with you. If they are folded across his chest, however, he has not learned to relax completely. Chance are good, however, that in time he will move toward an even more open stance.
Sometimes a man shifts his balance from one foot to another merely to relieve the discomfort of standing for a long time. However, if he moves closer to you while leaning on one foot, then further away while leaning on the other, you have a clear indication of his ambivalence. Perhaps you are worthy of further attention, he muses, but then again, perhaps not. Later in a relationship, he will continue to hedge his bets on you, yielding at one moment to the temptation of commitment and then backing away from it at the next.
This posture is assumed by a man who is well-disciplined, very successful, and incorrigibly set in his ways. Although he cuts an impressive figure, he does not always allow himself to have much fun. But the woman who respects his conservative values and needs a pillar of strength to lean on will find him just the right person to meet her needs.
He signals his impatience from the start by letting you know that just as soon as you get through talking he has something important to say. Energetic and able to think on his feet, he doesn't always take the time to reflect fully on things and won't take your needs and opinions into full account. He's energetic, though, and if you don't demand too much personal attention, he can certainly be a lot of fun.
Hands Speak Louder than Words
A man's hands provide a direct sight line to the thoughts in his head. The motions of the hand are versatile and varied, shifting as mood and comfort levels change, enabling the observant listener to pick up on his temperamental shifts and to notice how he responds as differing topics of conversation arise.
ELLIOT: A GESTURE OF SINCERITY
Diane: Elliot's gestures were the first thing about him to catch my eye. We chatted about a range of rather personal topics, from our jobs to our pending divorces, and I kept noticing how he used expressive hand gestures to emphasize his points. At first, the palms of his hands were outstretched at his side, facing his own body. But as our conversation became more animated, he turned his hands so that the palms were facing me. Later in our conversation, he moved his hands away from his body and closer to me. Throughout our talk, I sensed that he was unusually open and straightforward about his feelings.
Diane has discovered Elliot's essential honesty, which is revealed in part by his open palms. By gradually turning his palms outward, he suggests a willingness to be forthcoming—once he is convinced that you are trustworthy and receptive to him. The emphatic quality of his hand gestures indicates that he is more demonstrative than most men and has not built particularly high walls around himself.
Other Hand Signals
Hands in Pockets
A man who keeps his hands in his pocket is protecting his most vulnerable parts—his genitals—which indicates a tendency to keep his innermost feelings to himself. By the same token, he does not readily reach out and touch other people. You will find that this man needs a lot of assurance before he is willing to make himself more accessible to you.
Hands Touching You
A man who brushes you from time to time or touches your arm as he makes his points is forthright and direct in his approach. Clasping your arm as he makes a joke is also a sign of genuine affection and indicates a warm and healthy interest in things physical. It is best to be rather wary, however, if he jabs at you or touches you often enough to make you feel uncomfortable. These signs of hostility belie his pleasant words and suggest that he is harboring some deep anger.
A clear sign of exasperation, the man who stands in a crowd with his fists clenched is tense and uncomfortable in most social situations. Move cautiously with this guy—in a relationship, he is likely to take all the frustrations of his life out on you.
Here is a man passionate about his convictions, a tad overly dramatic, and so charmingly aggressive that he'll besiege you with flowers and candy once he decides to win your heart. Although he can be a bit overpowering at times, and tends to be self-consciously pleased with his powers of showmanship, it is hard to go too wrong with a man who never runs short of praise for your beauty and lets you know in words and deeds that he finds you thoroughly desirable.
Fingers Locked Together, Hands at Rest
His motto is "all things in moderation," and you'll find this man to be patient, reflective, and genuinely interested in what you have to say. Even-tempered and consistent, he thinks carefully about his priorities in life and once he decides that he is interested, he'll pursue you with understated determination. He is not particularly receptive to spontaneous ideas and doesn't like to have his plans thwarted, but at least he won't spring unpleasant surprises on you.
There's No Fakin' Handshakin'
In many European countries friends and even casual acquaintances greet each other with effusive hugs or kisses on both sides of the cheek. But in America, the handshake is the most socially accepted form of physical contact between two people. We shake hands when we are introduced and again when we depart, after a business deal has been resolved or a personal dispute settled, and when a winner has been declared in a sporting event.
With all their practice, though, men are seldom aware of how much they communicate with every shake, which is why you can learn so much by paying attention to it. Keep in mind, however, that men do know how much another person's handshake reveals to them. A woman who grips a man's hand warmly and firmly, rather than like a dead fish or with an aggressive vengeance, is a woman likely to attract a man's attention.
JONATHAN: A GRIP ON LIFE
Vanessa: I noticed Jonathan talking to an old college friend of mine at a party, but he made no particular impression on me. I was enjoying myself dancing, drinking, and talking to other friends and we weren't introduced until late in the evening. Finally, though, he came over to introduce himself. I was immediately taken by the warmth and strength conveyed in his handshake. I thought to myself, "Here is a man who must be warm and strong in other realms of his life, too."
The fact that Jonathan's sincere handshake provoked interest from a women who had previously paid little attention to him is a testimony to its power. A limp handshake conveys the feeling of inadequacy, whereas a firm—but not overbearing—shake exudes warmth and confidence. In general, a handshake can disarm someone or turn them off completely.
Other Handshake Messages
A seductive and sensual guy, he's also assertive enough to seek out what he wants—and hold on to it when he finds it. If you're interested in him, too, why not go for it? One exception though: Holding on to your hand for too long is a manipulative tactic warning you that he expects to be in charge.
He may look calm, cool, and collected, but his damp palm gives him away. This guy is perpetually nervous but he knows how to suppress it. Perhaps he has learned to suppress other strong emotions, too. It may take awhile for this man to relax and trust you, but there is a reservoir of strong feelings running through him.
Excerpted from Love Codes by Elayne J. Kahn, David A. Samson. Copyright © 2012 Elayne J. Kahn and David A. Samson. Excerpted by permission of OPEN ROAD INTEGRATED MEDIA.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
CHAPTER ONE: Something in the Way He Moves,
CHAPTER TWO: The Truth Is Written All Over His Face,
CHAPTER THREE: Is He Tailor-Made for You?,
CHAPTER FOUR: Second-Guessing the First Date,
CHAPTER FIVE: What Secrets Does His House Hold?,
CHAPTER SIX: Is He a Product of His Culture?,
CHAPTER SEVEN: How His Labor Works in Your Union,
CHAPTER EIGHT: Know Him by the Company He Keeps,
CHAPTER NINE: Getting the Party Line on Him,
CHAPTER TEN: The Fruit of the Family Tree,
CHAPTER ELEVEN: The Script that Directs His Emotional Scenes,
CHAPTER TWELVE: The Cost of His Success,
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Is He Tuned In to Your Sexual Frequency?,
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Will He Ever Tie the Knot?,