Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

by James Breakwell

NOOK Book(eBook)

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It's not easy being a parent these days. There are bills to pay. Kids to feed. And hordes of undead monsters to keep at bay.

There are plenty of guides out there about how to survive the zombie apocalypse. All of them assume readers are young, fit, and unencumbered by children. In that scenario, the only living humans left will be smug, outdoorsy Millennials. That's hell on earth, even without the zombies.

Only Dead on the Inside is the answer for the rest of us.

Written by professional comedy writer and amateur father-of-four James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn), Only Dead on the Inside blends traditional parenting advice with zombie survival tips, bringing together two totally unrelated genres in a book no one asked for but everyone needs.

This step-by-step manual teaches you how to raise happy, healthy children in a world overrun by the undead. Motivated moms and dads want it all, and that won't change at the end of the world. There's no reason you can't be a zombie killing machine AND parent of the year, but you have to work for it.

If you want to make sure your family is apocalypse-ready, Only Dead on the Inside is your best—and only—chance at survival. No pressure, but if you don't read this book, your children will die.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781944648640
Publisher: BenBella Books, Inc.
Publication date: 10/10/2017
Sold by: Barnes & Noble
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 200
Sales rank: 208,527
File size: 13 MB
Note: This product may take a few minutes to download.

About the Author

James Breakwell is a professional comedy writer and amateur father of four girls ages 6 and under. His Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn has more than 640,000 followers who check in with him daily as he fails as a parent and a human being.

Breakwell's comedy went viral in April 2016 when Buzzfeed featured his kid-centric jokes in an article that quickly drew more than 2 million views. His @XplodingUnicorn account grew by more than 400,000 followers in the following months. His jokes have been featured by USA Today, US Magazine,,, Huffington Post, 9GAG,,, various ABC and Fox TV news affiliates, and countless other TV, radio, and Internet outlets.

His articles have appeared in Reader's Digest, The Federalist, and AskMen. He has been a guest multiple times on HLN's The Daily Share, and they haven't banned him yet. He can open most jars on the first try and is only a little afraid of the dark. He still can't load the dishwasher right.

Table of Contents

Welcome to the End

Chapter 1: The Best Bad Day of Your Life

Chapter 2: Kamikaze Kids

Chapter 3: Eat or Be Eaten

Chapter 4: What's Yours Is Mine

Chapter 5: Going the Distance

Chapter 6: Hide and Go Weep

Chapter 7: Pacify This

Chapter 8: Strolling for Trouble

Chapter 9: The Home Front

Chapter 10: You Are the Law

Chapter 11: So You Have to Cut Off Your Arm

Chapter 12: Driving Off into the Sunset

The End of the End


About the Author

What People are Saying About This

From the Publisher

"The quintessential guide on the topic. It will make you laugh; it will make you think; it will make you wonder the barter value of your children in case things get crazy. You need this book if you wanna live."

Kevin Sussman, actor on the hit CBS sitcom The Big Bang Theory

"I have to admit: I giggled."

—Jessica Lahey, New York Times bestselling author of The Gift of Failure

"At first I was like, ‘Oh, great, another hilarious parenting book written by a viral internet sensation. Just what the world doesn't need.' But then I finally read Only Dead on the Inside and realized this was a hilarious parenting book by a viral internet sensation with zombies and I was like, ‘I was wrong. The world does need this!' You'll chortle, you'll chuckle, and you might even learn something."

Jen Mann, New York Times bestselling author of People I Want to Punch in the Throat: Competitive Crafters, Drop-Off Despots, and Other Suburban Scourges

"This guide to parenting through the apocalypse is so darkly hilarious, you don't even need to be a parent or have experienced an apocalypse to enjoy it."

Liz Climo, artist for The Simpsons , author, and creator of viral comics on

"Are you a parent of cute, selfish, tiny people who look like you but don't pay rent, destroy your sleep, inspire homicidal thoughts, and shatter your self-confidence daily? Do you need help to survive this crisis? (Yes, yes you do.) Long-suffering parent, you must immediately read James Breakwell's hilarious, fast-paced, and practical book chock-full of wisdom, to-do lists, rules, and big pie charts and graphs. Breakwell not only taught me how to survive the madness of parenthood, but also how to protect my babies from becoming undead, crawling, brain-eating monsters in diapers after the inevitable zombie apocalypse."

Wajahat Ali, speaker and New York Times op-ed contributor

"Breakwell provides an entertaining read for parents and parents-to-be, with survival tips that hold true even if you aren't rearing your offspring in a savage, zombie-filled dystopia."

Amber Hunt, award-winning journalist and New York Times bestselling author of The Kennedy Wives: Triumph and Tragedy in America's Most Public Family

"This book is hilarious! I couldn't put it down (out of fear for my life and that of future generations). This guide is the ultimate weapon against fighting zombies, which is the scariest prospect second only to parenting. I would put this novel in the self-help section with a seal of Oprah's approval, because not only does it help you live your best life, it finally gives you a good reason for owning that cumbersome stroller."

—Abbi Crutchfield, stand-up comedian and host of You Can Do Better on truTV

"The case is made for why parents will be the ultimate survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse. Whether it's using the ‘unreliability of your children to your advantage' or benefitting from the enmity a normal game of Monopoly can conjure, Breakwell pulls everyday scenarios for parents and hilariously weaponizes them for your survival. Plus, any book that uses the phrase ‘catastrophic bowel movements' is a book I want to read."

Patrick Quinn, cofounder of Life of Dad, a social network for fathers

"I never laugh out loud and this book is so funny I stopped reading to drag my family members in to read paragraphs to them but I'd do a terrible job of reading because I kept giggling about what I was reading. It's kind of about zombies, more about parenting, but mostly a reason to write one hilarious sentence after the next. James Breakwell is so good at being funny that it kind of makes me angry, but then I'd read another page and laugh like an idiot again. You need this book."

—Quinn Cummings, author of Notes from the Underwire and The Year of Learning Dangerously

"James Breakwell is the Dr. Spock of the apocalypse and his no-nonsense guide to raising happy, healthy kids as the world spirals into blood-soaked chaos and unspeakable brain-eating horror belongs in every home. When the undead come knocking, you'll burn all your other parenting books for fuel. Breakwell gives you the real-world, end-of-world strategies that you simply won't find anywhere else. Your family will survive and even thrive in the zombie apocalypse while parents who bought guides to raising gifted kids go down in the first wave. Wouldn't you rather have this book and not need it, than need it not have it?"

—Eileen Curtright, author of The Burned Bridges of Ward, Nebraska

"If the only line in this book was, ‘The fat shall inherit the earth,' I would still urgently recommend this book because it will have validated my entire existence. . . . Read this book because it will make you giggle uncontrollably, cry like no one's watching, and wonder if becoming a zombie isn't so bad after all. Eighteen stars. Highly recommended."

Rabia Chaudry, attorney and New York Times bestselling author of Adnan's Story: The Search for Truth and Justice After Serial

Customer Reviews

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Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent's Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse 4.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 8 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Very entertaining and informative. I now feel like there may be hope for our family when the zombies arrive!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I’ve followed James Breakwell for some time on Twitter. It was actually a close friend that had initially shared his tweets until I decided to follow him myself. While I haven’t read everything he’s tweeted, most of what I’ve come across has been funny. Why? Because while it’s hard to go it alone in parenting, it’s nice to know there are others out there struggling with the same issues. James has found a way to encourage parents to take a step back and find the humor in the worst of situations. Which is why when I found out he’d written a book, I wanted to read it. Plus, it includes zombies, one of my favorite genres. The good thing? He didn’t recycle his old tweets and publish them in this book. Instead, the author came up with a new concept, wrote about it thoughtfully and put it all together into a comprehensive parenting book, that is, parenting during the zombie apocalypse. There were a couple of funny points, more like the kind that would affect a slight smile, but no laugh out loud moments. And the idea of parenting in the zombie apocalypse, well, it has crossed my mind. Like being in the middle of a very crowded Main street in Disneyland. “We’re so screwed if the zombie apocalypse hit,” I’d said to my husband while attempting to push a double stroller through a sea of people (It felt like pushing a toothpick through a brick wall). I think I’d built up in my mind that the book would be a lot, if not exactly, like the humor from Twitter. Instead, it felt more like a parent complaining page after page. And while I still could identify with what he was saying, it almost had a bitter feel…like sarcasm to the extreme. One thing that caught my attention was when he was talking about kids not listening to parents. Typical parent complaints, right? You ask them to wash their hands and you pretty much have to supervise the washing, otherwise, they won’t do it. Eat your vegetables (or any part of the dinner) can turn into torture for you and your kid. The other night my daughter cried that she had to eat a spaghetti noodle. Seriously? This isn’t the first time she’s had spaghetti. Any, I digress. Kids disobey even the littlest of instructions, so the idea of having kids during an emergency such as this seems an impossible task. What caught my attention was when he mentioned: “Children even suck at dying”. While I get what he’s trying to say, that struck me the wrong way. With that said, I just didn’t love this book. It wasn’t awful, but I’m not sure I’d recommend it to my family or friends. I did share this with one friend and she felt the same. I still enjoy his tweets. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for this book. I did take the opportunity to listen to the audiobook as well to see if perhaps I was missing something by not hearing the intended tone of voice. Perhaps it was the library’s digital copy, but the audio quality wasn’t great. I hate to say it. I didn’t enjoy reading this book nearly as much as I’d expected. Other readers obviously feel differently (most gave it 5 stars), but for me, Breakwell’s best humor is on Twitter. I received a complimentary copy from BenBella Books in exchange for my honest opinion.
Jasmyn9 More than 1 year ago
I first discovered the comedy of James Breakwell in Twitter when a friend re-tweeted a post from @XplodingUnicorn. His tweets quickly became a welcome comedic break from the day. I couldn't pass up his first book - a look at parenting in the zombie apocalypse. First off, I forgive the two really bad typos. They made me giggle this time instead of annoying me. Second, while I really really wanted to read this straight through, I highly recommend taking a break between chapters. You'll want to make it last as long as you can. Each chapter takes a unique zombie-apocalypse-style look at parenting and how to make sure you (and maybe your kids) survive. On the surface, this may sound a bit ridiculous, but if you pay really close attention, you'll find crazy words of wisdom you never expected. Plus, you will be far more prepared should the zombie apocalypse actually happen. Filled with useful graphs, cartoons, and strategies, Only Dead on the Inside is a book I recommend to just about everyone I meet now. I even read some of it to my fifteen-year-old, who promptly rolled her eyes and left the room, which is high praise indeed. Breakwell's dry humor was quite refreshing and I still look forward to his tweets, now his newsletter, and I hear he has more on the way with a variety of projects.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Okay, where do I even start with this? Well technically, at the beginning, but that's in the past and I'm more of a forward thinker. So I've been wanting this book for ages but being a single mom it's not always easy to come up with spare cash, even if it's only twelve bucks. However, I did manage to find some employable skills buried deep within me and landed myself a job. Once I got the important things, like Reese's Eggs, other less appetizing food, and shelter out of the way, this book was next on my list. I don't know if you know this about parents, but the only real moments of joy we get are when the kids leave on the bus in the morning and on payday....that's it, only those two times. And let me tell you, it doesn't last long. This book, though, has brought me at least two or three (rounding up) moments of joy, happiness, laughter. On a more serious note, it was a pleasure to read and I found myself being more and more invested with every page. I'm not typically a fan of Zombies, in or out of literature, but the struggles of being a parent on a day to day basis is something that all parents can connect with and all single people can laugh at. It was by far my best purchase so far, well except for the Reese's Eggs.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love it!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
It's an hilarious read, probably the best zombie apocalypse book ive ever read and i don't even have kids.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I no I didn't spel that rite but thers know tim for speling in da zomby apocalips