Setting Boundaries? with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents

Setting Boundaries? with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents


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This important and compassionate new book from the creator of the successful God Allows U-Turns series will help parents and grandparents of the many adult children who continue to make life painful for their loved ones.

Writing from firsthand experience, Allison identifies the lies that kept her, and ultimately her son in bondage—and how she overcame them. Additional real life stories from other parents are woven through the text.

A tough–love book to help readers cope with dysfunctional adult children, Setting Boundaries® with Your Adult Children will empower families by offering hope and healing through S.A.N.I.T.Y.—a six–step program to help parents regain control in their homes and in their lives.

  • S = STOP Enabling, STOP Blaming Yourself, and STOP the Flow of Money
  • A = Assemble a Support Group
  • N = Nip Excuses in the Bud
  • I = Implement Rules/Boundaries
  • T = Trust Your Instincts
  • Y = Yield Everything to God

Foreword by Carol Kent (When I Lay My Isaac Down)

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780736921350
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers
Publication date: 02/01/2008
Pages: 224
Sales rank: 314,106
Product dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.50(h) x 0.49(d)

About the Author

Allison Bottke is the award-winning author of the acclaimed Setting Boundaries® series, which includes Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children, Setting Boundaries with Your Aging Parents, Setting Boundaries with Difficult People, Setting Boundaries with Food, Setting Boundaries for Women, and The Young Women’s Guide to Setting Boundaries. She is the founder of the SANITY Support Group, an outreach based on the Setting Boundaries® series (more than 150,000 sold). Her other books include the God Answers Prayers series, and she is the founder and general editor of more than a dozen volumes in the popular God Allows U-Turns® anthology. She has written or edited more than 30 nonfiction and fiction books, and is a frequent guest on national radio and TV programs. Allison lives in the Dallas/Fort Worth area.


Winner of the Selah Award for Best Book of the Year for Setting Boundaries with Food in 2013

Table of Contents

Foreword   Carol Kent     9
Why I Had to Write This Book     13
The Parent as Enabler
"But I'm Only Trying to Help"     27
Why We Enable, and Why We Must Stop     41
Get Smart and Take Action!     61
"But Deep Down He's Really a Good Kid"     71
The Power of Love and Forgiveness     85
The Six Steps to SANITY
"S"-STOP Your Own Negative Behavior     101
"A"-ASSEMBLE a Support Group     111
"N"-NIP Excuses in the Bud     117
"I"-IMPLEMENT Rules and Boundaries     127
"T"-TRUST Your Instincts     137
"Y"-YIELD Everything to God     143
Developing an Action Plan     153
Considering the Consequences     171
Other Vital Issues     185
When Drugs and/or Alcohol Are Involved
When Your Child Is Disabled
When Your Adult Child Is a College Student
When Little Children Are Involved
When Blended Families Come Together
Epilogue     199
Resources     209
Notes     213

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Setting Boundaries? with Your Adult Children: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents 4.3 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 33 reviews.
KimKat More than 1 year ago
While much of this book gave advice for parents of grown children with addictions and in trouble with the law, which is not the case with my grown son, I still could use the advice to stop enabling and stop feeling guilty about NOT enabling! The issue with my adult son is a severe lack of respect and his constant desire to debate every topic and his disrepectful choice of words. To the extreme. I now realize that no matter how much I want to have a good relationship with my child (grown), I can't do it by myself and the years of me trying to has just been enabling my son to push his responsibilities onto me. And then resent me for it. I think every parent should read this book. Even those with young children because you'll see where not to go wrong to begin with (ex: doing everything for your child out of love, instead of having them being the person responsible for their own actions). This book also encourages you to pray and allow God to take over. I agree.
MichelleSutton More than 1 year ago
There are many, many helpful non-fiction books in this world to choose from, but this is one that every parent MUST read. It's incredibly well-written and interesting, and the examples are excellent. Since I've worked with dysfunctional people and families for twenty years as a social worker, I can testify that Allison knows what she is talking about. She's obviously poured her heart and soul into this book in order to help families, and I've not found better advice out there for people who have adult children than is mentioned here. In fact, I brought it to church with me to a Bible study as I was reading it. People were checking it out because everyone knows someone who has an adult child who has torn their parents' hearts out by the way they live their lives. The awesome thing about this book is that the advice will actually work, painful as it will be. It's scripturally sound advice. Allison makes an impressive case as you'll see when you read the book. There is even a benefit to reading this book while your kids are still young, or teenagers. They don't have to be fully grown children for you to benefit as a reader. Why? Because you can stop destructive patterns BEFORE you let them destroy your children. I've pondered some things about my own parenting style as a result of this book and it's sparked some great discussions with my husband. We are doing a lot of things right, but there are always ways to improve. Like making sure your own childhood deficits don't interfere with what God is trying to work in your child's life. My boys are 15 and 16 and Setting Boundaries for Your Adult Children has actually helped me with some decisions I need to make as they grow older. I feel so much more equipped. Bless Allison for opening her heart and making herself vulnerable for the sake of the ministry God has given her. This book is a winner!
jjengel1022 More than 1 year ago
Reading this book, I saw myself in the author's words. Doing things to "help" my adult child and what I was doing wasn't helping at all. I was enabling. I was adding to the problem. There are no easy answers but this book gave me hope that I might regain some SANITY in my life and I can enforce boundaries to keep my other relationships (my husband and minor daughter) in tact. Great Christian perspective!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I am not even a parent! But I needed to read a book to help mine understand boundaries better and this book blew my mind. It really got to the core of enablers and how good intentions go wrong. But more importantly, the book did a great job giving true clarity to how parents go from good intentions to nibbling bad behavior. I would recommend this for anyone, not just parents in need, but for anyone who is thinking about having kids. Reading from this point of view really gives you a picture as to how fine the line really is.
butterflygail More than 1 year ago
Highly recommend for parents struggling with adult children, when to give in to their requests for money, living at home, etc. Great Christian book, good for all parents dealing with this issue.
Monica1230 More than 1 year ago
This is a must read for parents even if you are not experiencing challenges. A lot of good information to head off situations before they even start. It is compelling but firm - written in a no nonsense, "Dr. Laura" style reflecting common sense which many parents have lost in this generation. I have strongly recommended this book to a few of my friends
JO022301 More than 1 year ago
wow.. just the book I needed. Powerful and inspirational. Made me realize a lot about myself and my enabling ways with my 19 year old son. I have always felt the guilt, pain, and worry she talks about in her book. No more! I knew my enabling ways were not helping my son and only hurting him and this book has confirmed a lot of things for me. I see there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will follow her six step to gain my SANITY back although I know it will not be easy. I know it will be challenging and I am scared, but know I have to do this and just let him go.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
More parents than not need to read this book. I am deep in the consequences of being an enabling parent, this book gave and continues to give me the strength to follow the plan the book drawn out in the book.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I just recommended this book to another friend and thought it was time to put up a comment. I would HIGHLY recommend this book to struggling parents of adult children and even to those friends and family members who are witnessing this destructive cycle. Hopefully, you are able to draw parallels to your own life and set yourself on a constructive path as I was able to. If you are unable to apply these teachings, then you don't truly want help (although, I am confident you will return to this book later, when it gets bad enough). The author did an excellent job in including scripture, although it did not have a "preaching" style, nor did she put a bunch a mind-numbing psycho-babble in it. I plan to keep this book in my library for a long time. Best wishes to you and your family.
IndyJaneIN More than 1 year ago
This is the book I've been looking for. It should be a must read for anyone living with adult children, no matter how small or large the problems are that you are dealing with in your home. It is just awesome and will answer your questions as to why and what to do about it.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Awesome book!! I felt like it was written for me! I was Enabler in Chief and this book has given me a sense of freedom. It has helped me to identify what I need to do and to realize I cannot change anyone but myself.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love this has helped me tremendously. I even lent the paperback out and had to buy it for my nook. I refer to it all the time.
MissyJam More than 1 year ago
This book was just what I needed. I even bought one for my friend. It is right on the mark and helps me to realize that I AM NOT GOING CRAZY and that other parents are experiencing these difficulties too! I am not alone. It is motivational, informative, truthful and can be life-changing if applied.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
good book...recommended by my psychologist...helpful
ladymacbeth1 on LibraryThing More than 1 year ago
The book has a lot of good information for those struggling with adult children who are acting in destructive ways. However, the author's viewpoint is very black and white. She has little capacity for shades of gray. I also thought she could have toned down the religious bias.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
NanaDi_WI More than 1 year ago
This book is well written, with helpful background information that lets the reader know the author is "one of us." The advice is's just the application that can be trying, but it's definitely worth it in the end. This has helped us chart new territory with our adult children and grandchildren in setting limits and sticking to them, and also remaining united in the process. Try it - you'll be relieved of the guilt while freeing your adult kids and grandkids to be the best they can be.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A must read for those who are struggling with adult children who are struggling. Helpful tips on taking steps to set boundaries.
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