Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters or Less

Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters or Less

by Nick Douglas

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The first authorized Twitter book, Twitter Wit is a collection of the most clever one-liners posted on the massively popular social networking and micro-blogging website. Featuring a foreword by Twitter co-founder Biz Stone and tweets from celebrities such as Ashton Kutcher, Jimmy Fallon, Stephen Colbert, Neil Gaiman, Margaret Cho, Stephen Fry, Rainn Wilson, Penn Jillette, Diablo Cody, Michael Ian Black, Paula Poundstone, Eugene Mirman, Russell Brand, Aziz Ansari, Lisa Lampanelli, and John Hodgman, this It books paperback original, edited by Nick Douglas, demonstrates that inside every moment is a joke waiting to be written.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9780061960000
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date: 08/25/2009
Format: NOOK Book
Pages: 176
Sales rank: 159,972
File size: 228 KB

About the Author

Technology writer and humorist Nick Douglas was the founding editor of Valleywag, and has also written for Wired, Slate, and the Huffington Post. Douglas lives in New York City.

Read an Excerpt

Twitter Wit
Brilliance in 140 Characters or Less

Chapter One

What's the deal with deaf people? Like, HELLO?

My half-brother has spent twenty-five years saying "Marijuana's not addictive!" Now he's shortened it to "Where's my phone?"

It's the postproduction phase of eating fast food that takes the experience all downhill.

I attribute most of my good days to a -couple of -people with voodoo dolls canceling each other out.

Bummer: Found out today the faithful dog I had as a boy was only CGI'ed in.

I haven't had anything left for Lent since 1993 when, at Arsenio's urging, I gave it up for Marlon Wayans.

That's ok. I've been meaning to clean that table with a full glass of water for a while.

I wish LA was really as pretty as they made it look in "Blade Runner."

It's happened: I have developed real emotions for my iPhone. Actually, it's no surprise, because I was raised by a TV and a microwave.

I get really uncomfortable when people ask embarrassing questions about sex. Like: "Is that it?"

They should really start teaching young girls in school just how valuable their virginity is and the websites where you can legally sell it.

My 9yo hopes Santa brings a PS3. He'll be comforted to know the box of disappointment under the tree has another year of free rent inside.

Haven't shaved in so long that I scratched my cheek and an ex-girlfriend tumbled out. No, that's a tapeworm.

Whenever I see the word"Chicagoland" I envision a cold theme park where everyone is eating sausages and looks like Mike Ditka.

Doc says I'm as healthy as a horse. Well, a horse that smokes. But still.

I get the impression that the Fat Acceptance movement is more about acceptance than it is about movement.

Fauxboes: The annoying kids on Haight Street that endlessly harass you for money.

I'm sure the gin we drank last night was off. Feeling a bit ill this morning. The tequila might have been off too. And the cocktails.

I've got my health! Woo-hoo. (My grandmother was totally right.)

I am talking about music, which is a series of sounds they put behind television advertisements in your country.

I fell victim to a Fonzie scheme. My financial advisor kept flashing me the thumbs-up and saying "Aaaaay!" And calling me "Richie."

Every morning I wake up and think, "Don't let it slip about Darth Vader being Luke's dad." It's hard having a 5 yr old who doesn't KNOW.

"Did you just fart?" "Well, I didn't *just* fart; there was pageantry and tradition."

So many input boxes. Ever go to search for a girl on Facebook and set her name as your status instead? Yeah, I just did that.

We are men of coffee, sleep does not become us.

Oh so we have to be all cryptic and call them "magic" brownies but we can come right out and say pot pie?

Twitter Wit
Brilliance in 140 Characters or Less
. Copyright © by Nick Douglas. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

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