When They Call You a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir

When They Call You a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir


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The emotional and powerful story of one of the co-founders of Black Lives Matter and how the movement was born.

"This remarkable book reveals what inspired Patrisse's visionary and courageous activism and forces us to face the consequence of the choices our nation made when we criminalized a generation. This book is a must-read for all of us." - Michelle Alexander, author of The New Jim Crow

From one of the co-founders of the Black Lives Matter movement comes a poetic memoir and reflection on humanity. Necessary and timely, Patrisse Cullors’ story asks us to remember that protest in the interest of the most vulnerable comes from love. Leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement have been called terrorists, a threat to America. But in truth, they are loving women whose life experiences have led them to seek justice for those victimized by the powerful. In this meaningful, empowering account of survival, strength, and resilience, Patrisse Cullors and asha bandele seek to change the culture that declares innocent black life expendable.

Product Details

ISBN-13: 9781250171085
Publisher: St. Martin''s Publishing Group
Publication date: 01/16/2018
Pages: 272
Sales rank: 48,139
Product dimensions: 5.10(w) x 7.60(h) x 1.20(d)

About the Author

Patrisse Khan-Cullors is an artist, organizer, and freedom fighterfrom Los Angeles, CA. Cofounder of Black Lives Matter, she is also aperformance artist, Fulbright scholar, popular public speaker, and the 2017Sydney Peace Prize recipient.

asha bandele is the award-winning author of ThePrisoner’s Wife and four other works. Honored for her work in journalism and activism, asha is a mother, aformer senior editor at Essence and asenior director at the Drug Policy Alliance.

Read an Excerpt



We knew we couldn't make it illegal to be ... black, but by getting the public to associate the ... blacks with heroin ... and then criminalizing [them] heavily, we could disrupt [their] communities ... Did we know we were lying? Of course we did.


My mother, Cherice, raises us — my older brothers Paul and Monte, my baby sister Jasmine, and me — on a block that is the main strip in my Van Nuys, California, mostly Mexican neighborhood. We live in one of ten Section 8 apartments in a two-story, tan-colored building where the paint is peeling and where there is a gate that does not close properly and an intercom system that never works.

My mother and I are considered short in our family. She is five feet four inches, and I never get any taller than five feet two. But Jasmine, Paul and Monte are tall people, and by the time she is grown, my little sister will reach six feet. My brothers will also both soar up to well over six feet. They get it from our father, Alton Cullors, a mechanic with big, dark brown hands he uses to work the line at the GM plant in Van Nuys, hands that hold me, hug me and make me feel safe. He smells of gasoline and cars, smells that still make me think of love and snuggles and safety almost three decades on. Alton comes in and out of our home, in and out of our days, depending on how he and Mommy are getting along. By the time I am six, he will leave and never live with us again. But he won't disappear entirely from our lives, and his love won't disappear at all. It lingers, that good Alton Cullors love, inside me, beside me, even now, today.

Where we live is multiracial, although by far the majority of people are Mexican. But there are Korean people and Black people like us, and even one white woman who is morbidly obese and cannot bathe in the tub the apartments in our buildings provide. I watch her sneak down to the dilapidated swimming pool attached to our apartment building, the one I will learn to swim in. Each night when she thinks no one is looking, she bathes in the water, bath soap, washcloth, shampoo and all. She never knows I see her and I never say. Not only because she is an adult and I am a child. But because she is part of who makes us, us.

She is poor and raising her daughter alone. She has a fast kind of mouth that reminds me of the quick-tongued Black women in my own family. She wears muumuus. I miss her presence when she leaves, as she eventually does, like most of our neighbors. Ours is a neighborhood designed to be transient, not a place where roots are meant to take hold, meant to grow into trees that live and live. The only place in my hood to buy groceries is a 7-Eleven. Without it, George's liquor store, the small Mexican and Chinese fast-food spots and the Taco Bell we would have nowhere in our neighborhood to get something to eat or drink.

But less than a mile away is Sherman Oaks, a wealthy white neighborhood with big old houses that have two-car garages, landscaped lawns and swimming pools that look nothing like the untended, postage-stamp-size one behind our apartment building. In Sherman Oaks, there is nothing that does not appear beautiful and well kept. There aren't even apartment buildings.

There are just expansive homes with fancy cars in front of them and parents who leave their houses each morning and drive their kids to school, a phenomenon that catches my eye the first time I see it. Mine is a neighborhood of kids who take the bus to school or walk from the time we are in first grade. Our parents are long gone to work by the time we emerge, little multicolored peepers in the springtime, our fresh brown faces trying to figure out a world we did not make and did not know we had the power to unmake.

My own mother worked 16 hours a day, at two and sometimes three jobs. She never had a career, only labored to pull together enough to make ends meet. Telemarketer, receptionist, domestic support, office cleaner — these were the jobs my mom did and all were vital to us, especially after the Van Nuys GM plant shut down and our family's stability did too, right along with it.

Alton got a series of low-wage jobs that had no insurance, no job security and no way to take care of us, his family, which is why I think, looking back now, he left, and while he visited and was always there, it was never the same again. In the 1980s, when all this was going down, unemployment among Black people, nearly triple that of white people's, was worse in multiple regions of the United States, including where I lived, than it was during the Great Recession of 2008–2009.

Sometimes when we would be hungry, when what was left was Honey Nut Cheerios we put water on to eat because there was no milk and, for a year, no working refrigerator in our home, my mother would lock herself in the bathroom and cuss that man to the heavens: Help me fucking feed our children, Alton. Our. Children. What kind of fucking man are you?

I wasn't supposed to hear those conversations, but I sat on the floor outside the bathroom and listened anyway to the yelling, to the problems, to the growl of my empty six-year-old stomach. Being hungry is the hardest thing, and to this day I have prayers of gratitude for the Black Panthers, who made Breakfast for Children a thing that schools should do. We qualified for free lunch and breakfast, and without them I am almost sure we wouldn't have made it out of childhood alive despite my hardworking parents.

* * *

We love each other madly, my brothers, sister and I, and we are raised to look out for each other from the very beginning. Jasmine is the baby, our baby, and we love her up as such, but Paul is the oldest, so he takes charge when Alton moves out. It's his voice I wake up to each morning when it's time to go to school and my mother has left already for one of her jobs. It's Paul who gets us ready, tells us to brush our teeth and Come on, let's go. It's Paul who, when we have the ingredients in the house, makes grilled cheese sandwiches for us for dinner just like Mommy taught him to. It's Paul who says, Go on now, time to go to bed, while Mommy is on her second job, whatever it is.

But it's Monte who plays with me, lets me get away with stuff. Monte is the one with the ginormous heart. He can never not feed the stray cats and dogs that wander our streets even when our own food supplies are meager. Monte is the one who scoops up the baby birds that fall from their nests, puts them back in the right place. If I close my eyes right now I am back there with him, watching him ever so gently lift a miniature bird — I don't recall what kind we had in our hood — and put it back into the nest, which sometimes had fallen as well.

But Monte, who is the second oldest, is, unlike Paul, also a step removed from responsibility. At night we curl up and watch TV together when I'm supposed to be sleeping. Beverly Hills, 90210 is our favorite show, a world of rich white kidsand their problems, a world where we, and our problems, do not exist. No police cars circle blocks or people in 90210, not like in Van Nuys, where they do all day, every day, like hungry hyenas out there on the flatlands. For a long time I see them, the police in their cars, but I do not understand them, what role they play in the neighborhood. They do not speak to us or help guide us across streets. They are never friendly. It is clear not only that they are not our friends, but that they do not like us very much. I try to avoid them, but this is impossible, of course. They are omnipresent. And then there comes a day when they pull up near our apartment building. They block the alleyway along the side of it.

The alleyway is where my brothers hang out with their friends and talk shit, probably about girls and all the things they probably never have done with them. Monte and Paul are 11 and 13 years old and there are no green spaces, no community centers to shoot hoops in, no playgrounds with handball courts, no parks for children to build castles in, so they make the alleyway their secret place and go there to discuss things they do not let me in on. I am the girl. Nine years old, I am the little sister banished behind the broken black wrought-iron gate that tries, but fails, to protect us from the outside world.

It's from behind that gate that I watch the police roll up on my brothers and their friends, not one of whom is over the age of 14 and all of whom are doing absolutely nothing but talking. They throw them up on the wall. They make them pull their shirts up. They make them turn out their pockets. They roughly touch my brothers' bodies, even their privates, while from behind the gate, I watch, frozen. I cannot cry or scream. I cannot breathe and I cannot hear anything. Not the siren that would have been accompanying the swirl of red lights, not the screeching at the boys: Get on the fucking wall! Later, I will be angry with myself: Why didn't I help them?

And later, neither Paul nor Monte will say a word about what happened to them. They will not cry or cuss. They will not make loud although empty threats. They will not discuss it with me, who was a witness, or my mother, who was not. They will not be outraged. They will not say they do not deserve such treatment. Because by the time they hit puberty, neither will my brothers have expected that things could be another way.

They will be silent in the way we often hear of the silence of rape victims. They will be worried, maybe, that no one will believe them. Worried that there's nothing that can be done to fix things, make things better. Whatever goes through their minds after being half stripped in public and having their childhoods flung to the ground and ground into the concrete, we will never speak of this incident or the ones that will follow as Van Nuys becomes ground zero in the war on drugs and the war on gangs, designations that add even more license to police already empowered to do whatever they want to us. Now there are even more ways to make us the enemy, even more ways to make us disappear.

And I will not think of this particular incident until years and years later, when the reports about Mike Brown start flowing out of Ferguson, Missouri, and he is morphed by police and the press from a beloved 18-year-old boy, a boy who was heading to college and a boy who was unarmed, into something like King Kong, an entity swollen, monster-like, that could only be killed with bullets that were shot into the top of his head. Because this is what that cop did to him. He shot bullets into the top of his head as he knelt on the ground with his hands up.

I will think of it again when I watch bike-riding Freddie Gray, just 25, snatched up and thrown into the back of a police van like he was a bag of trash being tossed aside. Freddie Gray, taken for a Baltimore "rough ride" vicious enough for the cops in the case to be charged with depraved heart murder. Those actual words. Cops who would be, like most law enforcement accused of shooting Black people, acquitted. Even with the presence of video.

Soon after the day that my brothers were set upon in the alley by cops, a new cycle begins: they start getting arrested on a regular basis, and it happens so often that my mother is eventually forced to move us to another part of Van Nuys. But there is nowhere that they can be or feel safe. No place where there are jobs. No city, no block, where what they know, all they know, is that their lives matter, that they are loved. We try to make a world and tell them they are important and tell ourselves we are too. But real life can be an insistent and merciless intruder.

Later, when I am sent out of my neighborhood, to Millikan, an all-white middle school in wealthy and beautiful Sherman Oaks, I will make friends with a white girl who, as it turns out, has a brother who is the local drug seller. He literally has garbage bags filled with weed. Garbage bags.

But that surprises me less than the fact that not only has he never been arrested, he's never even feared arrest. When he tells me that, I try to let it sink in, living without fear of the police. But it never does sink in.



One of the worst things about racism is what it does to young people.


The first time I am arrested, I am 12 years old.

One sentence and I am back there, all that little girl fear and humiliation forever settled in me at the cellular level.

It's the break between seventh and eighth grades, and for the first time I have to attend summer school because of my math and science grades and I am angry about it. No other Millikan kids come here, to this school in Van Nuys, for remediation, only me. The summer school I attend is for the kids who live in my neighborhood. It doesn't have a campus, but it has metal detectors and police. There are no police or metal detectors at Millikan.

Somehow, mentally, I don't make the adjustment. I still think of myself as a student there, which I am but not for these summer months, and one day I do what I'd learned from my Millikan peers to do to cope: I smoke some weed. At Millikan it is a daily occurrence for kids to show up to class high, to light up in the bathroom, to smoke on the campus lawn. No one gets in trouble. Nowhere is there police. Millikan is the middle school where the gifted kids go.

But in my neighborhood school things are totally different and someone must have said something about me and my weed — two girls had come into the bathroom when I'd been in there — because two days later a police officer comes to my class. I remember my stomach dropping the way it does on one of those monster roller-coaster rides at Six Flags. I can just feel that they are coming for me and I am right. The cop tells me to come to the front of the room, where he handcuffs me in front of everyone and takes me to the dean's office, where my bag is searched, where I am searched, pockets turned out, shoes checked, just like my brothers in the alleyway when I was nine years old. I have no weed on me but I am made to call my mother at work and tell her what happened, which I do through tears. I didn't do it, Mommy, I lie through genuine tears of fear. My mother believes me. I am the good girl and she takes my side.

Later, when we are home together, she will not ask me how I am feeling or get righteously angry. She will not rub my wrists where the handcuffs pinched them or hold me or tell me she loves me. This is not a judgment of her. My mother is a manager, figuring out how to get herself and her four children through the day alive. That this has happened, but that she and her kids are all at home and, relatively speaking, safe, is a victory for my mother. It is enough. And for all of my childhood, this is just the way it is.

* * *

What made middle school such a culture shock, beyond the race and class differences, was that all throughout elementary school I was considered bright, gifted even, a star student whom my fourth-grade teacher, Ms. Goldberg, indulged when I asked if I could teach the class about the Civil Rights Movement. A week before she had given me a book, The Gold Cadillac by Mildred Taylor, about a girl making the frightening drive with her father from Ohio through the Jim Crow South, down to Mississippi, where her extended family lives.

The terror in it was palpable for me, the growing sense on every page that they might be killed; by the time I was nine, police had already raided our small apartment in search of one of my favorite uncles, my father Alton's brother. My uncle who used and sold drugs, and who had a big laugh and who used to hug me up and tell me I was brilliant, but who did not with live us, whose whereabouts we did not know the day the police in full riot gear burst in.

Even tiny Jasmine, probably five years old during that raid, was yelled at and told to sit on the couch with me as police tore through our home in a way I would never later see on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit, where Olivia Benson is always gentle with the kids. In real life, when I was a little kid, when my brothers and sisters were, we were treated like suspects. We had to make our own gentle, Jasmine and I, holding each other, frozen like I was the day of the alleyway incident, this time cops tearing through our rooms instead of the bodies of my brothers.

They even tore through our drawers. Did they think my uncle was hiding in the dresser drawer?

But as with the incident with my brothers, we did not speak of it once it was over.

In any event, I am sure this incident is at least partially why The Gold Cadillac, of another time and another place, was a story I clung to so deeply, why I remember it now, decades on. Where the details wove together differently, the fear drawn out across those pages is the same, is my own. Finishing it, I wanted more. I wanted confirmation that that which we did not speak of was real. Which was why I asked, Please, Ms. Goldberg, may I have more books to read?


Excerpted from "When They Call You A Terrorist"
by .
Copyright © 2017 Patrisse Khan-Cullors and asha bandele.
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

Table of Contents

Title Page,
Copyright Notice,
Foreword, by Angela Davi,
PART ONE: All the Bones We Could Find,
Introduction: We Are Stardust,
1. Community, Interrupted,
2. Twelve,
3. Bloodlines,
4. Magnitude and Bond,
5. Witness,
6. Out in the World,
7. All the Bones We Could Find,
PART TWO: Black Lives Matter,
8. Zero Dark Thirty: The Remix,
9. No Ordinary Love,
10. Dignity and Power. Now.,
11. Black Lives Matter,
12. Raid,
13. A Call, a Response,
14. #SayHerName,
15. Black Futures,
16. When They Call You a Terrorist,
About the Authors,

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When They Call You a Terrorist: A Black Lives Matter Memoir (Signed Book) 4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 9 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
In its inaccuracy
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Misses the point of why BLM is called a terrorist group. Justifies their violence and destroying black property and other property as well as businesses (minority or not), because it was "social justice" and a "call to action". No moral high ground or sense of responsibility.
Allison31 More than 1 year ago
When They Call You A Terrorist is a brilliant call to action that forces its readers to see beyond the cold numbers and statistics of arrests and police brutality that so many turn a blind eye to and SEE the faces and the names of the black people who have been marginalized, ignored, and dehumanized. Patrisse paints vivid, harrowing images of growing up in a highly policed area of LA and most importantly delves into the inner lives of her brother and father, two people who were so severely mistreated and silenced. Patrisse, through her writing, gives them back their voices.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I am stunned even startled by how black people have been treated so horribly. I am looking at the timeline and I flabbergasted because I am black but this isn't my experience. I am so grateful to my grandmother and her decision to make a new life in a small to medium sized area. I think this is why my life experience is so different. I very seldom if ever seen the police. Heck, I realized that I didn't know that doing drugs was against the law until I was in the military. The police in LA and places like it make me see them as MONSTERS. WEAK INDIVIDUALS WHO BECAME COPS BECAUSE THEY HAD ALWAYS BEEN NOBODY'S.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A must read!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Brilliant and incredible.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
An incredible book that is important and profound. Highly recommended for anyone who cares about #BlackLivesMatter and the state of affairs in our country.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
My daughter is in community college. When discussing events of the day in one of her social science classes, her professor named a number of “terrorist” groups. Among them BLM. My daughter was one of two black students in the class. This book I will send to that professor and pray she reads it before continuing to spread falsehoods that I suspect she is simply ignorant rather than judgmental. Thank you, Patrice and asha for creating a tool that not only speaks to the horror of growing up black in the family of Patrice but gives an accounting of trying to grow up black on America over the last several terrifying years.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Nice book